Lost Entry

I am typing this entry with a heavy heart and the feeling is indescrible. I dont know how to start telling anyone I know and this is the reason why I am typing it out. Perhaps, I should start with the korean drama; Royal Family, which I am watching thesedays. It is about a poor lady who married into the Korean Royal (Richest) Family and being outcasted. Until the day, her husband passed away she decided to take back what she truly deserves in the family. From there, many many secrets of her are about to reveal. She is not a bad person, just that life werent helping her. She reminded me of myself and my life.

Honestly, at my age, I have been through some failures and lessons to be where I am now. If you were to ask me whether I am satisfied / proud with what & where I am today? The answer is definitely a 'No', but I am relatively contended. At the same time, there is a uneasy feeling within. Perhaps, my life have not been as peaceful and beautiful as now. I started to fight for my life from nothing more than anger; now I have everything except anger. I am not even halfway through my journey.

I want to be really successful in life. The question is am I and is that the reason why I am not working hard? Or I am just too stressful, but I dont see that as an excuse for anything. I cannot afford to lose, I cant because I lost too much perviously. This aint the time to be thinking about anything but studies. I am willing to lose many things or people, to ace it. As much as there are many things I wishes to keep in life, I know it is beyond my power to choose who & what to keep. Comparing to fate, my gambling chips are very limited. Therefore, I am not going to beg for anything else and in fact, I am always prepared to survive on my own.

You can call me a coward by all means, this is the best remedy for me though. I chose logic over emotions on the day I begged for the changes in my life, one must never and will not be regretful for that. In other words, as long as I will do anything if it does not required me to kill, hurt my family and good friends.

I wanted to be different from my mum and sisters; wanna be strong and need not depend on anyone for anything. At the same time, I am afraid that I become too smart and in the future no one would dare to date me anymore (maybe weirdo's). I feel like an alien so I asked myself whether is this what I really want? It is truly funny, life is strange.

I was chatting with Ezra few days back, we have similar goals but different methods of achieving it. There is no right or wrong in the process, it is really how much you are willing to go to achieve it. Honestly, it is perfectly fine if you dont understand this entry because the title is 'lost entry'.

Dear God, if you are reading this, can you please guide me?

I might be too stress because I dont know where to start for my exam, too focused on the outcome; the honours / nothing / failing. Fcuk! Sometimes, I beg myself to shed some tears to relieve myself from the stress but I just cant.

Thank you for wasting your time here!

BTW, I turned twenty-one =)

Love,

Owin

Delicating to the two most important man in my entire life

I not exactly free on a friday afternoon, but I come to miss this song which I had not hear for quite a while. On top of that, Thanksgiving is around the corner and I just want to give thanks.

I am turning twenty-one in barely 23 days time, I will be lying if I say that I will ask of nothing. At times, I do think that I am lacking of everything but when I ponder carefully I owns alot of things too. Apart from not being loved by my mother, I should not have much to complain. Yet, I used to whine on useless issues. Even though, I am not as lucky as many of you who has a mother to love you and yet I seriously think I am very bliss within this life already.

I wish to thank those who took part in my life; my kiddy, primary & secondary pals, college, work and people whom I directly came across from all woks of life. Thank you & God bless! Perhaps, you may think I am insane for saying this but you never know whether you might be the one of those who left me a great story which is important to me.

Those who have saved me from the devil's house, my most sincerely apology and thank you to all of you. Especially Austin, I owe you alot.

My friends who taught me to learn and treasure; Rachel, Grace, Tracy - God sent angels to me since the start of my new life. Alongside with Ezra, Charles, Stephenie & Lydia - without all of you I probably could not start to walk. A big hug and thanks to all of you!

Desmond, a huge contribution of joy to my life for the past 3 years. I could not imagine how one will become without meeting you and your graceful family. You might not know how much it meant to me, to learn to lean on a complete family. Thank you for your every love to me, I might not love you as much as you do for me but I give thanks and try very hard to catch up with you. I am having a very meaningful journey with you and will remember it in my heart forever.

Family members are those beyond my capability to choose whether to have them in my life, I might not fancy it but life still moves on. My adorable niece who has the ability to brighten my day when I see her and I pray for her to be well and happy in this life. My clever lil brother, probably the only loved boy in my life has the ability to keep my heart safe. My two sisters who are always chasing behide me, my only prayer for the two of you is to find a place you belong and live a down to earth life.

My mother who I think is not the one who give birth to me; you might have hated me for your entire life and it will be a lie if I says I did not dislike you after all you done for & to me. Perhaps, you were too blind to see that I actually loved you and yearned for your love at some point of my life then. It does not matter now, because you are just another person in my life. At least until today, you are the person who contributed the most in my life. I learnt from the mistakes you made in your life and does the opposite of you, seeing the way you fell and never fall again, your ignorance made me smarter than I can actually be, your superficial that makes me fill myself with thoughts and your everything to be not my everything.

Perhaps, loving my father is the only thing which I have in common with my mother. I love him and I presumed that she does too. My beloved father, the man but not the only one that I am in love with and until today I am very sure of his love for me too. I am utterly indebted to him, doubt to be able to see the world clearly and carefully without his care, doubt to be so sensible without his scoldings, doubt to have learn to be creative without his teachings, doubt to be where I am without his encouragements and support. Thank you my dearest dad.

The second man whom I need to thank and owe him my entire life, is to you; Dearest mightly God. Every every individual things, including being to be able to wake up and see my family or gets back home safety because you love me. You showered me with too much love which I cannot ever finish thanking you for. For all the prayers and even the above thanking I said, will be fulfill because of you. I love to sing the song "Dear Mr. God" when I gets to see you in any event and do remind me. I promise it wont be awful.

I delicated this beautiful song sang by Celine Dion just for these two of the greatest man in my life. Thank you.

BTW, I am back to school; a new platform and seriously tougher than ever - My game is a Second Upper Honours but Lower is fine too. I doubt I have time to celebrate my birthday, will try though. Also, I wont be around from 18 - 29 Dec because I am going to Canada for holiday. My exam will be in May 2011, very nervous and excited about it.

Happy thanksgiving day!

Till we meet again.

Adious

Sane vs. Insane

Have you wondered that why insane is not called as "unsane"? The meaning of sane is 'free from mental disorders' or 'sound/healthy' as defined in the dictionary. In the same dictionary, insane is obviously defined as the opposite of sane; 'unsound' or 'have mental disorder'.

Then, I would like to ask for the definition of mental disorder as mental is mind and disorder means lacking organization or in confusion. Is this the right definition put forward to us? Then, it should be called as "unsane", should not it? Why insane?

I am reading a new book witten by Jodi Picoult recommended by Ms. Rachel Tan. HOUSERULES is about Jacob Hunt, a teenage boy with Asperger's Syndrome (AS). He is hopeless at reading social cues or expressing himself well to others. However, like many kids with AS, he has a special focus on one subject - in his case, forensic analysis. One day his tutor is found dead, and the police come to question him. All of the hallmark behaviors of OS, actually look a heck of a lot like guiltt to law enforcement personnel and hence he is accused of murder. Thus, his mother need to find evidence to prove her son innocence.

Some background information of AS; is one of the autism spectrum disorders - a range of psychological conditions that are characterised by abnormalities of social interaction, communication and imagination, and by restricted and repetitive interests and behaviour. Although there are many overlaps with other autistic conditions, people with AS generally have fewer problems with speaking, learning disabilities and are often of average, or above average, intelligence.

Asperger's Syndrome (AS) is a form is austism and austism is classified as mental disorder in general. People with AS are mostly in order and clear at most of the time, then something is wrong in the dictionary / general definition, isnt it? Otherwise, should not it be called as "unsane" rather than insane.

I decided to put blogged my opinions as it is very interesting. I would think insane is not a disorder of sorts because of the word 'in'. Those who are dignosed as insane, as the matter of fact, they are much sound / healthy than us. The difference is that we, 'sane' people are 60% sound and those 'insane' are 100% sound.

The word and definition of 'sane' and 'insane' are created and put forward by people like us; 60% sound. Then, you are probably thinking that I am insane, isnt it? Logically and evidentially, what I am saying is 80% right. Take AS as an example and conparsion, they are basically purer and smarter than us so what is wrong with them? Their only problem is living in this polluted and complication world, so can it be counted as a disorder reasonably?

A newborn cries when he/she having a problem living in this polluted and complication world, are they counted as insane too? "IN" and "SANE" means that "Much saner than those who are SANE. That is why it is "Insane" not "outsane" or "unsane". Of course, there are people who are less than 40% sound, they should be called "Crazy" instead of Insane. The smartass who created the definition of insane is a unkind person who filled with hatred.

I adores Dixie Chicks because they are brave women who sing their heart out. As you can see, I used their song as my blog title. They are country girls and for that I envying them more because they get to befriend with kindness, peace, freedom and most importantly life. At the same time, I give thanks to be able to get exposed to nature, peace, kind, freedom and life in the recent trip with my dearest friends. I hope that I can have 2 friends who are brave and formed a band and does the same.

World Cup Mania for 5 more days after 25 days of insomnia.

Trunfa Espana! Viva Espana!

I will try to think of more interesting topic. Meanwhile I will want to finish my book!

Bid Here

Owin

A piece of honest words to my sisters

One really wishes that one day, one can get rid of any emotions attachment to everyone then perhaps one will not be so angry at this moment.

Does it even make any sense to you that your so called siblings only have your number when you feel like giving them? And the best thing is that you only communicates to your so called siblings when you thought that she might have something to benefit you?

Although one sounded mad here, honestly, in fact I AM!! I am truly boiling down from my stomach to my head. It is not because I only have her NEW number when she buzzed me. It is because whenever she is telling me are insane.

I know that I do not always produce excellent idea but most of the time, I really do well in giving solution, but people do not appreciates it. Do you know that I was an ugly girl in the past that no guys in the school will be bothered to look at me as a girl? I was born ugly perhaps because in my past life I really did awful things to hurt people. Now look at me, I am no longer ugly because whatever I thinks and does are healthy. As much as it would seem like a joke to you, I am serious and very clear-minded of what I am saying.

I am blessed with talents which I made used of nothing when I was young but I did not make good usage of it, I chose to laze around (I am not regrettful of my actions). That's why I chose to study life and to you, I sounded like "Miss Know Everything" or "Miss Perfect"! I have as many flaws as you have but I am happy and proud of it because I really do know what are my flaws, do you?

I am a heartless, pragmatic person; with all costs I will make sure my plans goes well and you can rest assured that if I given you my promise to help you with something, you will have my back till the end! I am done tons of things which are rotten, but I know every single rotten things I have done to try to redeem myself. I live for myself, no liabilty and carefree but I am very forgiving to the people I care about. I live my life to do well, trying to put my head high but I am always ashamed of my family. It is only until these few years I then honestly speaks of them, as some of them are so rotten to a stage where they are hopeless.

I loathe to put names which irritates me in my blog but it is neccessary in order for me to narrate to you about my feelings. My so called sister, Sofina grow up phyiscally but her mentally never out-grow more than 12 year old kid. She is the second in my list who can piss me off to the core, first in my list is known without saying. She is good-looking and tall but stupid according to the objective test. Yet, she thinks that she is intelligent and beautiful, I mean SERIOUSLY!! Also, she thinks she has alot of loyal, smart and pretty friends and she is always in the spotlight of everything (she really like it). Last but not least, she is still irresponsible to herself, yet alone her poor child.

I always thought that I have the worst of luck because I chose a lousy mother, but I indeed have a nice father as I knew it since young. After this niece was born, I felt that I am way better than her and being able to be educated and healthy. She has a stupid mother and a idiotic father. My so called sister thinks she is very smart because now she is a mother making her thinks that she is very knowledgable. I studied one year of law and yet I speak of things only when I know, on the other hand, she only completed PSLE (studied till Secondary 4 but did not take the N Level exam) and god knows her intelligent friends are, speaks of subject matter regarding to law like as though they are lawyers. Frankly, they are just a bunch of idiots. (Yes, I am insulting you guys!)

My so-called sister wants to change the last name of her child to my dad's surname. Okie, FINE! I asked her why in the first place you allow her to follow her father, Jun De surname? She replied like an idiot: "Because I was forced to!". Do you guys not agree with me that it is the most hilarious & dumb execuse in the world? If you were forced to, how come for the 7 month you spoke of nothing about it? Dont try to fcuk with me with your mentality!! I never seen anyone holding a weapon to threaten you for that, and you thought you are talking to your brainless 'friend' who will pity you just now! Look for a priet to cry and whine for that, not me.

Sofina & Junde were not in the term of marriage, why have dion? The reason is not because she dont want to kill a innocent life, it is because she is angry and selfish person. Fcuk up person, fcuk up!! Knowing that he is still very immature BUT his family is rich, so her so-called mother was excited too. Fine, I am not keen to discuss the story of them here. The conclusion is that the baby was born because of her parents' immaturity. Today, there are plently of such babies were born into this world like this.

I cannot to anything to so many babies in this world, so I decided to be kind for ONCE and wanted to help ONE. If the two of them were to negotiate and sign it then in March, do you know it will not to be so messy! It is bad enough to be stupid, then they shut each other up and be DUMB and NOW they making themselves look like an IDIOT. I cannot stand having either one of the three words (Stupid, Dumb & Idiot) inside me, I really wonder how the hell so many people including Sofina and Junde can allow themselves to be describe as one of the three.

Today, I got a call from her ASKING me about Deed poll (I am sure she & her friends know nothing about this term) for minor. It is very simple, both parents has to agree yet she want to file a writ to him. Seriously, I really questioned about our relationship because of our brains!! First, stop talking big around here, you jolly well knows that you are poor and stop crapping yourself out for a issue like this. Second, have you spoke to him nicely about it whether he wants to educate and support the child with whatever things she need OR he just want to stand beside her to watch over? Since the child is staying with you, it will be very tough for you when the child need to apply for school because you are the one who she is staying with and be there to see her grow up and Junde is going to have his own family one good day. Ask Junde nicely to let go!

Thirdly, you are not soft but stupid. You have nothing in your eyes except yourself, sorry to say, not even your daughter. You are like your mum who sadly love yourself and how nothing about loving others. You guys are looking for unconditional giving shetlers but you are not giving up anything. Lastly, I urging you to stop dragging anyone down; if you are poor, earn and save it. If you are uneducated, do something about it (reading a good book will be good), feel some shame and guilt for yourself and think of a rough plan for the child. Do you fcuking read a book to your child and speak properly to her?

All I asked from you is to listen & obey me for one year and aftermath you will learn to be good. I am not cursing you here, if you continue your life like this you will become like your mum and when you are old and ugly, you will be a cleaner in the foodcourt or something along that line. Till then, you please continue to enjoy your life and drag everyone down.

Stop looking for attention for yourself, we are going to have a happy occasion soon. Please make yourself helpful just by growing a bit mature by using your brain often, just a little is all I am asking from you now.

Because of you, I am so afraid to end up being you. You indeed is alike your mother.

Your beloved sister,
Sandral Chin

What will be, will be?

We are built from many elements, some known and some unknown still. Some of us have more of these elements, some lesser of that and some times the angels forgot to put some elements on particular few. Hence we ought to be the same, are we not? It is damn exciting to explore life and one does enjoying; how nice if one could be paid to learn more about her. As mentioned, one is only learning her; not learnt her and it will be good if you could learn her beauty as well.

Do you wonder how fast we grew, growing and grows? One has a sudden brainstorm and certainly beautiful to share with you guys. Sandral is twenty, six months and twenty-eight years old today and do you think she changes rapidly as she aged as well? Are the changes good or bad, etc? These questions just pops out today, like some bubbles (easily broken yet unforgettable).

Meanwhile one was doing what one supposed to do, at the same time one was doing a recount in my brain regarding myself. It is so amazing that our brain can really function so well. The phrase “Life will be better if you could just use your goddamn brain” is totally honest although it sounds disturbing. One is sure that my brain could not function better when one was a toddler than how it is now; SO WE AGED TO GROW WISER! There is no “SUPPOSEDLY” because we are going to grow wiser. The difference between many is time; some will have to learn it fast, some slow, some learnt but threw it away because it is difficulty yet some are able to uphold these learning. In my younger days, my dad was very strict on me and taught me all sort of things; moral values, well-mannered and etc. Yet, there is a point of time one actually left all that one learnt in the safe. If one did not try to recall today, it will probably be locked forever too.

One cannot help but need to compare myself as far as one can recall who I was. The furthest one can conclude is when one was five, was a quiet girl and only speaks to one boy named Fabian (could not remember his last name) and there was another boy who loves to disturb me. The graduation performance was loved by a pool of crowd. Then one proceed to primary school, year one and two memories were very vague. Year three, one was in a new environment and was very tomboy-ish! One had made a couple of cool friends mostly guys and run around during every recess time. Year five, made some girlfriends and personally one thinks we were quite close and good together. One also discovered that one actually fancied one of her good friends but never dared to confess at all. Last year of primary school, one then realized that she is really popular amongst guys unfortunately not too close to girls. Till here, one was very naïve, kind, funny, stupid, cheerful and most importantly young.

One thinks that secondary school is the point where one changes rapidly because one learnt about feelings; what is like, what is dislike, what is the line between helpful and busybody, what is betrayal, what is hatred and etc. The four years was the best of my life at a point of time as one learnt how to trust, take and give love. Yet, the same time one learnt that we cannot trust and be dependent other forever. Also, one thought that she was in love and dreamt that he is her prince charming but it is pure admiration. All and all disappeared when one was hit with reality, this is the starting point of my changes.

One was so determined to change for the better; one paid a huge price for all this. The exchange of my friends, innocence, youth, kindness and myself were as good as dead, nevertheless one really does well till here. No doubt there are cons to my changes, one is damn practical, economical, straightforward and cunning compared to that young naïve girl.

“What will be, will be” shows us the beauty of life, did it? One highly doubts that one could make it in life as much as many want me to. Honestly, one was a caterpillar which did not know that it can actually transform to a butterfly. Therefore, all we have to do is to do the best we could and the good will come to you eventually.

Btw, I am into High Society music esp Hymnes. My dearest friends, just put your best in the exam and leave the rest to rest! I will pray and wait for you guys to rejoin the world (me)!

Bid here,
Sandral Owin

You Reap What You Sow

"One reap what one sow"

One believed this is told to many across through all religions. You should have heard it but do you understand it?

Today, one would like to share with you a story involving a mother, she has 3 daughters which one hopes some kind soul will publicise it. She dislike the eldest for some unexplained reasons and hence she conveniently assumed that the eldest daughter always hates her. She doted the second daughter like the pearl of her life, whatever wrong things that the second daughter done legally or morally is always right in her eyes. She used to doted the younger daughter for she was the slower and weaker amongst the three but no longer so for no reasons.

Thus, the younger daughter drifted apart from the family and being emotionally instability, helplessly needed a pillar for herself because she has yet to know her potential for everything in this life. The second daughter being spoiled, is an almost hopeless person; quit school at sixteen (Most silly thing, she was about to take her GCE "N" level) and dated guys who are useless and in a moment of spite decided to become a single mother of one baby girl, she pretends to be smart ass, rich rag and pretty person with a layer of thick powder. The elder one being the outcast daughter, only have a motto which is to learn everything, especially the wrong things to do things right and hence be different and very successful person person. Hence, she rebelled, indifference and wants to make a different and to outshines amongst all she make sure she score the best. She forced herself to think like an adult in her teens just trying to be in the same wavelength as her mother, hoping that she will like her one good day.

Apparently, all of her effort goes down to drain because the mother never appreciates it. Perhaps, the reason is that she is uneducated but when the youngest daughter wants to go back to school, she seem to be quite happy about it. The mother said that since the eldest one love to study and always trying to leech the husband off to finish her degree, yet unable to get any scholarship is a true disgrace. If what the mother said about unable to try a scholarship is a disgrace, what about the second daughter being an uneducated, brainless single mother who thinks she is god-damn pretty and the world owes her and her baby girl a living?

The eldest daughter has observed the mother for years silently and managed to find out the root of the problem and whatever she is going to type out are the truth and most of the truth are affirmed by the daughters of the mother and her husband. It is accepted that the eldest daughter is not at fault most of the time and all her faults are the mistakes of her mother (You reap what you sow), hence the mother never should have the eldest daughter. She wanted to be accepted by her husband family and hence she needed a male heir. Whilst loving the child in her stomach for ten months, she learns how to hate aftermath. The mother thinks that the eldest one is a jinx to her, do you not agree that it is her own greed that caused her to have a jinx?

The eldest one figured out that the mother was never in the mothers' wavelength as she is a person who refused and stopped thinking properly for almost half of her life. She felt for the mother before because if it was not for her, she might not be in this pitiful state. Come to think of it, the fault lies on the day the mother who naively thinks that marriage solved everything that she need to solved and even the things she needed physically, mentally and financially. Thus, it is the mother's action which caused her own pathetic and poor drama today.

The eldest daughter figured out that the mother hates the eldest child because she was not able to get loved even till today, twenty-one year later. Also, she figured out that why the mother was not loved because she has the slightest idea of love. The greatest love is giving and when you truly mastered it then you will experienced love. However, it does not suffice to learn love because we are expected to learn to feel everything. Thus, we born 'are expected to' not 'to expect' anything from the world, do you not agree?

The eldest daughter figured out that the mother expect all her children supposed to be like her not better than her, was unable to acknowledge and accept the fact that any of her daughters were to be better than her. It is not difficult to be better than the mother because she has no idea to sew, clean the house properly, and most importantly cooks awfully. All the eldest daughter was trying to do was learning all the mother's flaws to help her out and make her like her a little, fortunately it is the negative impact. Who do you blame when any of your daughters were to born smart than you?

The eldest daughter figured out and confronted her directly because she tried all the methods and no improvement were made. It is within the power of everyone that who the mother pushed the blames on. Yes, everyone but herself. She blames on her father whom died when she was young, her step-father who abused her and her mother for having too much kids hence she is unable to learn and do anything that she should. BLA BLA BLA~

If we followed the above theory, all the three daughters should become a clone of the mother? How do you explained only one who is the second daughter has cloned her, not the eldest and the youngest? The two daughters are not fantastic nevertheless they are trying to figure out how to be a better person in life, it is not a right thing to do?

Of course, the eldest and youngest daughters are nevertheless capable to clone her, but they chosen not to. Today, they are taking their time to pick the right one and make a good judgment in their life and soar high. They are going to have a better life compared to the second sister for sure, as they have the power to make choices. Life is like a game of chest with privileges for those who cherish their life even you do not have any choice left, God will definitely give you a good one.

In my previous entry, one mentioned that you should treat yourself well and whilst treating yourself well, hurt none. Sometimes, we are really need to be generous to those who are unkind to us. God will be fair, one is telling you that you are the one and only person who is responsible and be responsible for the things you have done. You either acknowledge and accept all your punishments or stay where you are and always whine about it.

With regards to everything that happened between my mother and me, one is not sorry about it at all. She tried her best to revenge on us for all she did not have and nothing, attempt to make us handicapped. All one did was to defend myself; make myself very strong, sensible and serious. God is fair, we cannot have everything in the world and hence we always will sacrifice someone /something somehow. It is the reason why I have everything I needed but a mother.

Just as this song - Because of you, to my mother who is the one I spoke of above to make me what I am now. Of course, I will continue to spread my wings and soar high.

Do not worry about me, I am cool as I have learnt how precious is myself and tears are to so she does not deserved my tears to fall because of you (the mother). By the way, I do not hate her as what she thinks at all, neither the past nor now because to me she carries no value in my heart.

If you think one deserved to be punished because one let you down, betray you, insulted you and etc for no reason, you just wait and see. One have gathered all the wrong actions and awaits for my punishments, one truly hope it will come soon and perhaps that is the reason why one always thinks that of dying being so young.

Love you
Bid Here
Owin

*P.S - I am reading The dairy of Anne Frank, planning for the trip with my good friends and praying for them who are going to take their exam. I was asked to accept a promotion today which I am considering about.

人不为己天诛地灭

From today onwards, I will be blogging what I have been learning in life together with some politics until I decide to start my school with better knowledge, discipline, and me.

As one is really ageing as everyday pass by, I see flashbacks of the kind of people I used to mix around, situations of my shameful side and who I was. Although, I did regretted, cried, got upset about the things that myself, people and situations put me to, still I am very glad and contented about everything that had happened to me for the past 20 years.

Today, I look at myself proudly and dare say that I have learnt well. It is not because I am highly educated or intelligent. The fact is that I only got some street smartness and a pair of sharp eyes. Then why am I proud of myself?

I feel proud every time I look back at;
1. the day I was mocked because of my poor English, hence with anger I pass it with an unexpected grade and learning extra language;
2. the day I made a mistake and teachers started to avoid me, hence with some pity I promise that I never trust and depend on any one fully in life;
3. the day I gotten back my first GCE ‘O’ level result, hence with tears I promised myself that I wont fail any examination; and
4. the day I have to beg for schools to accept me, hence with shame I promised myself that I will never fail myself again.

Because without all of these above wrong I had made, my life would not be so right now that I learnt well about my blog title of this entry.

Ren bu wei ji, tian zhu di mie - When one do not protect own self, heaven will expel and earth will destroy one.

This sentence is very misleading and cunning, as it help plenty of people in this world to succeed yet at the same time many people falls because of it. Some people cannot interpret rightly; some knows it but never try understood it; some understood it but never try applying it; and some applied it but never seem to get it right.

However so, this sentence is very simple and it need not required us to kill a single brain cell to ponder this. How Come?

Whenever I am tempted to do something not right, this sentence will flow out at the back of my mind. Similarly, when I want to do good which could appear to be but in fact stupid. The most priority in my list is to protect myself with the minimum harm to others or if possible without hurting anyone. Now, are you getting the pieces of it?

It might make no sense to you today, but trust me, down the road it will have make some impacts on you. Look at me; I totally changed from a lost teenager to a wiser lady, all thanks to this sentence.

I am trying to make things right; repaying all the wrongs I have done after repenting. At the same time, I look forward too because that is the reason why I am still alive today; Living for a better tomorrow. My dreams will soar high with me even when the whole wide world looks down on me. Today, those who look down on me should be looking at themselves.

Being a very humble person, I have to be very proud in front of them. Why? They need to realize how a failure they are after the continuation of gossiping about me. The confidence, creditable, creative, cunning and cool is the outer layer of me and they will never get pass to see the inner side of me. That is why my life does not stop but start here. I merely make it contestant for this marathon and the destination of this chapter is LINCLON’S INN.

So if you are interested to do something for your life, start now. As sang like this Korean song that how rough may be for you, you can still soar high and stands out amongst the crowd.

I am inexperienced instead of being worried for me; I just wish someone would hug me silently.
I know it is hard for me but my dreams can get me back on my feet.
I am feeling exhausted at times but I cannot give up now.
When the birds fly to the sky, they are like the stars than shines brightly in the night sky.
This is my beginning, telling the world with all my strength then I would not be the same as yesterday anymore.
After saying goodbye to tears and pain, I will spread the wings and try to fly to the sky.
My dream, future, hope and faith are precious jewels. Hence, I will risk everything for that day I achieved them.

Happiness

Hey, I am back from the longest vacation. Learning how to live is my favourite education and I am very pleased to be able to say that, so far I have done well. Well, Law is definitely the second favourite education of mine. Many people actually doubted my ability of attaining it, and at times even myself too. To some people who are reading this may be thinking: "oh, you only pass it with the bare minimum marks". You will probably never see miracles in your pathetic life then, unable to achieve great things in life.

I am regarded as a person with the least problem and carries plently of smile on this pretty face girl. I mean, are you that navie to think that I am happy too or it is because I hid it so well? I think it is the second one, and today I am sharing some little facts about me.

1. I am a very secretive person and so far, none of the people I've known / known me including myself can see more than half of me.
2. I may appeared to be a person who cannot hide secrets yet, I kept 5 VIP secrets for appx 8 years.
3. I may behave weirdly thru the way I behaves and those stupid and funny questions, but I manages to find / observes the things I want to see on people.
4. I may be looking as though I am without a brain, but the brain is working herself even when I am sleeping.
5. I may look stupid but I am not because I am smart and cunning.
6. I may be mean in my words but I am very kind in my soul.
7. I like to make idiots look smart and throw them down from the sky.
8. I may display that I hate actually I only indifference them.
9. I may look weak but I am very strong and cruel when I need to.
10. I never fed myself with hatred but always thankful.
11. I will never speak of problems which I cannot solve because I have an ego of a tiger where I will want to solve it first before getting help from people.

This are some part which make me who I am.

I am a success in my own life as far as I am concerned and truely no disputes about it. When people looks down on me, I prove them wrong. When people pulls me down, I drag them down to their despair.I makes countless mistake which I will not proud of and will be inside my heart as long as I lives. Apart from that, I holds ample of merits like learning english well in my own, complete my diploma, self-study lives, make and find solutions on my own. Yet, at times I am unhappy about my life.

For quite some time, I was seeking for an answer to this particular question which has been left there for all of my life. I am so bliss; blessed with Brain, Brawn and Beauty. If you think that I am not contented with my life there, I dare say that you are so wrong. I am at the stage knowing to count my bliss every single day but I never dare to face my own family. I shut down my door and make sure I dont have to deal with them, knowing that if I do, I will have everlasting problems.

Recently, I have nothing much to deal with, probably my driving lesson and some issues in work. Hence, it enables me to try to accept them and help to give them solution like a family. I know it is hard because of her but I am very glad that the rest of them actually comes together and commits like a family. I have set a target for myself that this crisis will be over before I starts school in December.

To Mrs Chong,

One hope that you are doing well and you are right to say that one was so wrong to run away from my destiny knowing that one can never do it because it will definitely comes back to me. One truely misses you=) Now, whilst trying to find solutions to help this family crisis, one am truely happy even when one am exhausted at times. Thank you for your teachings.

Your Love,
Sandral

To my other beloved besties,

You guys claimed that I am your strength and laughter and yet the very truth is you are the ones who are my strengths and laughters whenever I am on my verge of giving up. I am kind to you because you are very kind to me. I am very bliss to have you as a friend to be able to stand and love my queer character. It does not matter how many miles we are separated, the heart is the one which matters the most. Thank you for your patience.

Your Love,
Sandral

To my dearest loved Desmond,

One may be giving you luck but you definitely gave me more than and one is indebted to you. Being able to cry, smile, joke, show temper with someone was a little dream of mine, and still being loved by you. You helped me to see many of my potential and encourage me on whatever things one wants to do. Listen to me whine for nothing and tolerate my ugly-ness. Thank you for being an angel.

Your sweetest love,
Sandral

Lastly, Thank you Lord for seeing me thru everyday of my insignificant life. If three year ago I did not get to know these peers, I could not find myself and be so bliss right now. Also thank you for helping me to sort out my heart of the matter and will teach me to fulfil this again.

You people are my everything.
Bid Here
Merci
Owin

Chances

Hi, it is blogging time again. I know that my previous entry was kinda depressing but I am not going to be sorry about it. Yes, that does not mean that everyday is a rainy day. However, if your life is raining all the time, the blame lies on you but no others so change yourself first! I am straightforward because I could afford not to. I am who I described myself few years ago when I opened a blogspot account; still the same old me. “When you know me, you either end up loathing or loving me.” I live for myself and I will continue to till I reach my goal but that doesn’t mean I don’t care about nothing.

I care about people who cares, I show my concerns to those who deserves and I will only love those who appreciates. This is how I chose friends, love and life. Those who doesn’t see this side of me or to be more specific, those who are not standing at the same platform as I am, please do disturb me no more. I done too much wrong things in life and it is the best time to make it right now. Life / How I live my life is what I am concern with now because I figured out that no matter how well you doing in your studies/business, you will still be screwed up if your life is. Thus, I am going to run through my life briefly for this few months before I decide to start my Year 2 of my Law Degree.

Many tries to tell me that I have to finish my education soon because I am getting old, as the matter of fact I am only turning twenty-one. Again, it wont be too appreciative of me if I behave/thinks like ten year old (No joke, there are a lot of people out there) when I officially turns twenty-one. I am still ahead of my plans and if I am blessed to die young, why not? If you are concerned with my studies, I will finish my degree in 2012, probably 2013 the latest. I know what I am going, doing in my life so have your least worries for me. That is the problem when you are sick, the doctor give you two days of MC and you have nothing much to do after sleeping.

Recently, I caught two movies on screen in Singapore which I like to share. Similar and connected yet different from one another as the meaning of the stories said. First movie is about the man who changes the life of South Africans and America, Nelson Mandela. A man who weights the big and small issues, knowing yet unwillingly gave up kinship in order to achieve greater achievements. Second movie is about Michael Oher, a man without anything and gotten everything in the end. The two movies involves black men, God’s child and wealthy within.

I felt the second movie was written/acted for me in a way. I am fond of Sandra Bullock not because “Sandra” with a ‘L’ is link to her in a way. It is just her personality is too much alike with mine, I not hinting anything else. I am a person who will pick up a child on street because I am soft at heart of the matters. I am brutally ruthless when I need to, for example, leaving behide a friendship which noone except me bothers about or make the first move for ending a relationship which is not going to work out from time to time. At the same time and most importantly, the movie reminded me that I am a very bliss child with all the chances which given to me, I can probably be the second Michael Oher in some ways, just that I am not successful yet. I am here writing because I want to share some simple words, together with the song, Chances. Just pay attention to the lyrics, you may find an answer to yourself.

Let me tell you why am I so bliss today. I counted all the small tiny good deeds or things which happened to me and compile to become one. That is why my friend, Charles mentioned that I am easily contended. That is because I understand happiness exists everywhere but it is us, humans being who thinks happiness is hard to get. Some people out there who abused happiness will not be surprised that they cannot get their happiness. For instance, many immature girls will want a handsome guy to be their boyfriend AND THEN that is their happiness. Will they be happy being with a handsome guy but not smart, gentle, caring, soulmate and no compassion after that? I bet they would not because they do not understand the meaning of happiness. I appreciate everything happening to me, I do not grumble about the hardship I had that is why happiness exists everywhere to me. Thus, you might not be the third or forth Michael Oher but you are blessed. This is all I want to share today and the rest are inside this meaning songs.

I missing my friends and I am going to see them on Friday. Mrs Chong and Sarah, please be back before CYN! Rachel and Ezra are coming back in June. I am staying with Desmond from Thursday onwards for two weeks. Go to Sentosa probably next Saturday because I am down with illness. I have lots of things to do before Chinese New Year & St Valentine’s day arrives.

Bid here for now!

Love you lots,

Sandral Owin

친구

What I am going to share are all done and nothing can be undone at this point of time. I am kinda relieved now, able to be frank to myself. I started to ponder my actions after an old secondary school friend chatted with me for random sake. I asked Grace, was I wrong doing that and this. I only ask for one thing from you; Understanding, Forgiveness and Be Free.

I have changed physically and mentally within the past few years. No longer that seventeen year old girl who always does things impulsively, I grown up and I growing up well. I planned, planning and make sure everything works well in my life because I accept the theory of Actions & Consequences. I chose to be different from the woman in my household, and so I worked extremely hard for it. I could have marry to any guy I met and form a family. Instead, I working my way up, living the way I want, doing the things I love and finally enjoying my life. Though life is tough for me, but I am truly happy. I prefer life this way, working and learning. Live like a normal person, not too rich nor poor.

ALL in love is fair
Yes, I make choices for myself. I chose to steal, sleep around, disturb / irritated people, be kind to people and etc. Most of my actions comes with an excuse / justification (whatever you want to call it), some I did it for fun and some for love. Those who I once cared for, maybe a little or lot, I think you gotten your fair share and you should be thankful for that. Those who chose to hate me, continue doing so if you really want me to exist in your life forever. Those who I forgo, I am truly and really sorry. Those who I owed, believe me that I will return it all back to you. Those who hurt me, thank you for that because you make me better. Most of the things which I done till now, I have no much of regrets to share.

Bridges
I cant help to recall some of those nice times in the past. Truly, they are the past and you cannot hurt me. I have to admit that I had once given up hopes for People because they are weird, crazy and stupid at times. Yet again, I took great pain and effort to pick myself up and move on and this is the part where the difficulties lie. I done what I should did, I meet people who stands and thinks at the same platform where I am. We come from all woks of life and it is fated to meet you so I am truly thankful.

Thank you for giving me such a great life and I am really bliss and love by all the people who loves me now. I will complete my Law Degree as I have two more good years to go and no one can stop me. If you are jealous, dont be because it is nothing fantastic and God knows maybe you will be doing better than me.

Desmond, thank you for being there and I sorted all out already!
Grace, thank you for hearing me out and I will really start thinking for myself=)
Rachel, thank you for chatting with me and I consider to bake or make a food recipe for you!

Thank you for viewing!
Bid Here
Adious

저에게 축 생일 !

This year, it is indeed a special year where I truely felt that I am bliss. Thinking back, I changed to really appreciates small / tiny stuff, cry much more even for the slightly happy things in life, lost count with those smil on my face, prayed for forgiveness every single day and feels truely bliss. Also enjoy the song whilst reading this lengthy entry=)

I went to a talk with Mrs Chong last month, he spoke about destiny and etc. He sorted my thoughts and truely open me up. I didnt go there to look for an answer to a particular question and yet I was enlighted. What truely got me is that the topic on Causes and Consequences. For that, I prepared for all the consequences that I am needed to face for all the bad deeds I done.

You might start to wonder, what about the good things? Well, sadly most of the goodness you've done will get the consequences instantly (Think about it yourself). There is ONE good thing that I did for myself in this entire 20 years (I mentioned it before & I need to mention it again) - Studying law. The consequence that I gotten is meeting friends, and for that I am very very thankful already. Second good thing I have done is a right clique; I can never forget the very first day of school, sitting beside Tracy and behide us are Grace and Rachel. The three of them are quite different from me due to the things I exposed and today we click perfectly together still.

And guess what else, IF I didnt meet them on tht very day I wouldnt imagine the consequences. Together with them, I studied, not say hard but I did put in my Heart, and met nice friends and formed a clique too. See, we are all ONE Person who needed to carry out plentiful of roles. Like myself, I am not a good daughter but I am pretty good in every other roles that I am involved. So, we are people with many many flaws and got together in such a big group. Christ, it aint easy but we are did/doing and will do a good job together.

Once, I was disappointed with Friendship which is sadly the only ship I could count on because my Kinship sank way before I could admit that and Relationship is not stable facing the big sea. Nevertheless, we all need love to somehow get thing settle. When love is involved, the courage plays the biggest role and following by trust. I stood firm with my decisions and really really found great and funny people whom I know that I could count on. With this one and only Sandral Owin's Heart, I am very very thankful on this very day to:

1. People who help me by accompanying me thru the storms I faced; like the real help and God forbids me to forget what happened in the past;

2. People who forgo me in the past and make me a tough person today;

3. People whom came / come /coming across all woks of life and helping me by fate and faith;

4. People who gave me joy instead of I giving them, really really treasure all my heart and I pray for them on a regular basis:

a) Rachel (I know how much you wish to be here)

b) Grace (Thanks for everything yesterday and you did an amazing planning)

c) Tracy (Stop falling sick and start to be stronger physical)

d) Stephenie (Very appreciated for your physical and mental encouragement, I still keeping the paper you wrote for me)

e) Lydia (You are such a whinner and think positively and stronger. With all your flaws I still love you alot)

f) Kayyathiri (You are a nice nice friend and fan of mine)

g) Sarah (I also sense you close although you are so far away)

h) Ezra (The implusive protector of mine and given me joy in alot of ways)

i) Charles (I am grateful that you have been there always)

j) Desmond (Thank you for your every every everything you gave me)

k) Mrs Chong (Being with you, I feel that I have a family member and stay healthy)

As for kinship, I am speechless and I have assigned a task to complete before the end of my life. Trust me, I am tough and will be tougher enough to overcome it. Since, I have been different and came to where I am standing. To be more extreme, it is something that I will achieve so anticipate for that day to come.

Regarding myself and future, I promised myself to complete my LLB in Law by 2013 latest with a Second Upper Honours. Pray, Play and Participate Well for Everything and Anything. As for the rest, I can only look forward to and there is nothing else for me to do until then. Some says "Expected the Unexpected" yet again "The more you expecting, the more the disappointment" so JUST LIVE YOUR LIFE.

What else can I say, I told myself that "Well, I have a bunch of good friends and they WILL wish me and WONT forget my birthday even if they DIDNT asked me out!". The truth is I should trust my six sense & had a great celebration yesterday, all thanks to them! Honestly, I am so touched and thankful for everything yesterday. I love you each and everyone of you. Hey, I will cry if you all tries to forget my 21st!!

p.s My Lawyer bought me Royce Chocolate, so sweet!

I am flying to BKK tomorrow like FINALLY and touching down on Thursday Morning

~ So Excited and Wee~~

18 December 2009 - Xmas Gathering=) Until then we shall see one another again.

Love all of you

Thank you

Bid Here

See you

Adious

Your Faithfully,

Sandral Owin

Doesnt Mean Anything

Hi, It is my bad, didnt blog for quite long. Yeah, was pondering and sorting about life and stuff. Of cos, not forgetting about my workload. Let me share with you this beautiful song and I will blog tml since I am grounded on my BIG DAY=)

Love You,

Sandral Owin

Deary Life

I am not bothered about anything right now as I typed this blog, in fact I am very calm. My Grandmother's husband just passed away, what really sadden me is her. I often wondered why she has to lead such a sad life but she is a strong woman. All her children thinks that they are better than her in a lot of aspect and they are simply wrong. She might be silly at time to feeds her son who is the age of 45 year old but that is because she felt guilty then she wasnt able to give them a good life. I started my blog with "Have you ever tried to be in my shoes?" for a purpose. It does not takes a genuis to do this; understanding others. However, many simply refuses to even try. All they know is to grumble, feel sad over their life and looking for people to take some pity on them. What hurts me badly is that I, over my 19 years never seen or hear my grandmother grumble about her life; seeing 2 husband passed away and needed to bring up all her child. So who are you to grumble?

Hence, when I pray for her to God. I asked him to watch over us & help me to watch over her. I want her to be there when I soar like an eagle most because I dont want to live my life with regrets. She is my Dear Mother, a true example of a Mum. Trust me, I have no mercy to my own so-called mother when she step on my back.

Dear Rach, thank you for this wonderful song although I said to you that "this song is not meant for me". I would like to get this sentence back because I really have a wonderful grandmother and dad. I survived so long and i will survive as long as I need to because of them. I cannot be bothered about others' eyes, they have a choice as to how they look at me and I made the choice at the point I want to change. This is all about me at this point of time, although the thought of giving up came pass me the other day. That is not going to happen, to grow and soar is all I am concerned of, because it came to my realisation of ONE THING!!

I am very enriched now, other than studying for my exam the only thing I love most is read. I am excited over able to purchase 'Men in white'. Also, Screw the system here & it is all crap & bullshit. Government in general are bulls******* and selfish in nature, hence never trust a politican too much.

Lastly, I will have a nice weekend today although work is not too good today. I misses my friends a lot and will type the list of books to buy for me for my BURSTDAY. haha, thanks huh peeps!! We are bbq-ing later, yeahness!!

I love my beloved friends & baby.

Bid Here

Adious

Blissful

I am still in my happy dream, I going to receive my Dip in Law in no time!! I am so thrilled because I am very proud of myself coming this far for this result. I concerned about the process of achieving my goal not just achieving the goal. I fail my Public Law but the blessing thing is I have a second chance. I am so thankful as God reminded me that I have to have faith in yourself before he comes to give me more. Perhaps, this is the reason I make it thru. I cried for happy tears as I peek my results.

My result was not fantastic but it is sufficient enough. I cannot make it to UK but two of my cliques will bring my share there first, & study to the best. G8 was a success, zero failure & it is a blessing. I sure Lydia receive the best 21st pressie from God. Now, I am planning meanwhile I will retake this subject well & work first. Apart from having God & a good team by my side, I have one more person to thank.

"IF you have a Father like mine, do Praise & Pray to him a lot!!"
"If you have friends like mine, do Cherish & Treasure them a lot"

Desmond, I really appreciate your presence in very situation I met with. Let it be Happiness, Sorrow, Anger or Bitterness, you are here for him duly & what more I can asked from you. This is a song for you, leave aside the sad part because is not within our concerns. As much as my friend mentioned this to me that I have a very wonderful boyfriend, yet I have to agree with them. I love the ONE YEAR Anniversary Celebration, thank you. I been to Singapore Zoo too many time & this time is the most fruitful one. I may ask for too much from you at time so thankful of your patient. I have a taste of perfection & you are the ripest apple I pick from the tree so it fully explain why you are so sweet. My journal to you is a token & start of our journey together, ily!!

"If you have a Boyfriend like mine, Do Cherish & Love him a lot!!!"

Upcoming Plans: Study, Work, Enjoy, Love and Loved!!

Bid Here
Adious

You raised me up

Dear Lord,

Perhaps, I am very greedy but this is what I wanted badly; to keep this moment with you & everything especially good grades for my & my cliques results.

Thank you for giving me almost everything. My good & my bad side that makes me who I am for you & people around me to love me & hate me. Although I hate to be born in this hectic world & you shown me light throughout my pathway. Father, please be with me regardless my result is going to be good or bad, promise you will be there with me till the very very end.

Thank you, Lord & in Jesus's name I pray, Amen.

Thank you my G8

Shan, It is so nice to see you

Zac, you are always remembered

Last but not least, my lovely baby=)

Bid Here

Adious

Everything

Hey, Life is fine; Busy and exciting=) Time really passes fast, my greatest fears will be arriving in no time. I only has two University reply & they are unreachable conditions. I guessed now I only can pray for the best.

I am not attending school at all but I continues to learn from all walks of life. I read & listen in my firm, I learn whilst walking, I feel when I am reading. Currently, I am reading my 8th book!!

I successfully slim down 6kg now, very healthy life but I am still fat=( HAHA..
Apart from that, I am totally in love with Shining Inheritance & left with 2 more episode!! It is the plain script which attracts me in & out.

I miss my cliques & missing them a lot. Thus, I am looking for to next Sun & 15 Aug especially!! The response is very good & anticipating. I am awaiting for the pictures with every single one=)

My baby and I 11th month Anniversary=) I am so in love wit you & thank you for everything you given me. When I am angry, you give in to me. When I am sad, you cheered me up. I learn Korean, you listen my korean songs with me. Life is lifeless without you.

I am going to work hard to finish reading "Mao & China"; the toughest book I ever read.

I am finally taking my BTT!
I wan to go for a short trip away from Singapore!!
I wan to go Sentosa!!
I wan to be bliss like this as long as possible.

Bid Here
Adious

Hyper Daddy and Daughter

I wanted to blog!! When I played a good song (my blog song) & my daddy started his concert. Thus I am disturb!! but it was fun. Honestly, it is not cos M.J cos I playing this song. I am not a hypocrite & I dislike him though he is a King of Pop. I really enjoy this song released in 1985, beautiful lyrics so let start giving.

To recruit in TKQP is mere lucky, to work with my 2 kind lawyer is a gift, & to learn from them is a blessing. God no doubt loves me alot, & I gotten too much from him. No longer know how to reject but learn to accept his arrangements. I prayed for an extra opportunity & it came instantly; Rajah & Tann called me for interview. I am curious and honoured about the offer, not proud yet.=)

I wrote an essay on Opportunity two friday's ago, so I must do as what I have written.To cherish opportunity and choose the best. I thanked God always giving me the best he can, to me it is truely most wonderful. I am prepared to die anytime without regrets. I have learnt the most difficult lessons in life; to learn, love, hate, forgive and forget & all of this comes not easy at all.

It is not about studies all the time & maybe I learnt more than alot of degree holders does. I see a man realising it after living to his 70s (on his deathbed), I want to live nothing that make me regrets slightly in any point of my point. Apart from being successful, I want to be me. Being myself is being part of the world. I never change my blog picture for a message that many yet to do & Congrats to those who mastered it. This message is very simple & easy but often tough when comes to doing, that is why saddness exist.

I am not a saint & I tried to "put myself on her shoes before" but I am wore out, so I stopped. Before we are angry of someone, think of it. Before we are sad, think of it. Before we are nervous, think hard. Simple, I am a racial but I am very nice to my friends. I carry no feeling for those who dont deserve me & they shall watch me to suceed. I behave like what I am & I am perfectly well with it.

I slimmed down 5.5kg !! & 4.5kg more to go, my curved shape & I am proud of it. I worked till have no time to eat, tht is the beauty in a law firm. The pantry aunties and pupilages are very nice to me, need not mentioned my lawyers.=) My desmond started school & life has been great. I only hope his train will steadily, be it whether it is fast or slow. He is working on weekends till 26 July.

Again, I thanked God for my G8!! This sat, I shall enjoy their accompany at Rach's place. Singing & Mj, nothing sound more attractive than this. Sunday, I will be knitting and reading book. August is drawing near & I could hear the death bell and each day I can only pray. I am going to do voluntary work as what I have promised myself on 31 Dec 2000.

I love my Grandma, Dad, Youngest sis, fei fei, Des, his family & my dearest friends.

Bid Here

Adious

A little

I am exhausted and no longer interested with why God sent us down to experience hardship. It is not gurantee that we can meet him after life, so why am I trying so hard to please God, everyone around me & myself? I desiped to look like a joker because I believed in God that he did not make me as one. Yet again, it is very difficult to convince myself that. I hope and pray he will put all this to an end.

Perhaps, I am his special child but I unable to take this pain anymore. Now I not sure am I still fit to be called your child, sinned too much that I cannot forgive myself in this lifetime. It is time that I should stop asking for forgiveness. I am not a whinner usually but I cannot help myself not to be one now.

Here I am trying hard to improve myself but nothing seem to work well for me. I lived with agony for 20 years & blowing out very soon. It is painful to live a life like mine, I only have the share of being envious of all good mom & children relationship!! I feel totally cool without one or if I really have one, all I am asking is a normal mum.

My heart was bleeding whilst typing this but no longer will. I tried but you never know at least a little nor you will ever look at me, so now it does not matter. I am not declaring a war, but if you want to be safe what I am suggesting is to leave me alone. I am not that girl who was afraid of you or care that you are my mum. I will do things my ways and that wont include you at all. I wont disowns and I am waiting for you to disown me. Leave no inheritance for me because I wants to owe you the bare minimum.

If the people here who are reading this wants to see me as heartless & cruel, so be it. I no longer bothered, this is the life I am happy with. A life with my dad, my youngest sister & only brother. These are the only kins who I will do everything for them. This song is for myself & I will look back if I am missing myself too much. My plan will still works for myself, I am not giving up to be myself.

I wonder how is Joyce doing in Swizzy, missing those times we talking about cheeky stuffs. Aunty Sue contacted me thru email now!! G8 are very well, we will be meeting for Harry Potter & Bbq soon, I promised. Zach & I made a pact recently which is to date each other one more time before we marry. My Des is very busy with his work and same goes to me after tml.

Apart from the issue at home, I was doing not too bad for the past 3 weeks. I was finding peace sometimes I am able to do so but at times I just cannot. I addicted to Shining Inheritance, Harpers' Island, Safari, Resturant City & Exercising!! My korean is improving bits by bits.

Basically, tht is all but the nusiance thing is still around! I am leaving to Des place soon=)

Watch me fly, Losers!!

감사합니다!

안녕!

사랑

안녕하세요!!

Korean is not simple to type & learning an extra language is not easy at all. There, of course, if things are simple what is there exciting about life?

EXAMS is over but I'm not happy at all, the thoughts of death bells makes me nervous. No wonder waiting is painful at times, worst is that you are waiting while carrying hopes. I looking forward to work everyday cos it keeps me very busy. Things at home are getting out of control but I am not going to be bothered as I am sure where I belong.

With regards to myself, I am happy and no worries, pals I am cool still. I've overcome big waves and hence small tiny waves are unable to drown me, on top of that I able to swim. Those of you who are waiting for the exam, I am praying & prays hard for our success. I used the past one week to find back the old me before going back to study. The girl who cares alot about life & greedy to learn more, I am very glad to found her again. She wants to distant herself from the world to find some peace. I am not supposed to be at home today but I am in great pain. Bloody menses driving me insane, honestly I think I can only blame myself for that because the past few months it didnt come much due to stress etc. Now, it is all coming back to me which I am happy cos it is telling me my body is healthy but PAIN!!

Basically, I finished watching the movies and shows that I wanted to watch. The day of my last paper, we rushed down to tampines to watch Angels & Demons. I am the only one who read the book & I am very satisfied of the movie because Da Vinci's movie sucks compared to the book. On the next day, I brought my pals (Grace, Lydia & Rach) & my boy for a tracking at Anderson Waves. There & then, for the very rare time I lost my sense of direction for the first 2 hours and led them beating around the bushes. All the more to believe, that our clique needs to recuite more men. Those kind souls didnt blamed me for all of that which I am very guilty about.

Thanks to some comments in my tagboard, I am exercising regularly nowadays. Do congrats me for slimming down & to my friends do not be very bothered about it. Allow me to handle it, those people as we all know they basically cannot suceed in everything except being an nuisance so let us be more caring for this kind of low IQ & EQ retards. I mean, we obviously knows that they can think but foolishly chose not to & really they are THE worst of kind of all. In August, we will meet to recieve the result even if I cannot do well still I managed to slim down is another achievement. OMG, I forgot that I'm not meeting THE retard cos she/he didnt have the courage to take the exam and not forgetting being too rich too.

Back to the main reason why I am posting this entry today. I have been watch some korean show. A brainstorm came into my mind whilst chatting with Zherui about love. This lucky man is attached too & spending good times in Germany slipping beer. It is because he is smart enough to recieve this intership in his college in the States.

Whilst chatting with him about love & relationship, I suddenly remeber what Shine told me before that I have never love someone before. Well, he could be true but I denied it then when he told me. Thus I bringing this question up for myself now.

"Have you ever love someone before?"

잠깐만요! Before considering this question, it is my duty to make sure you understand that the love I am referring to is not to be mix up with the habit or reliance on your parents, siblings & friends. Honestly, alot of people cannot rationally classfied it cos they mistaken that love from another is a much in one's life just like or even more important like love from family. I wont say I am able to but I have not mix them up together. As for some people, they loves to be loved & thinking that is love. Trust me that is not love & if your dictionary carries puppy love, allow me to correct you that there is no such love. Good, now the questions & impression from you is 'well well well, so what kind of love you suggesting as you speak with confidence with your nonsense' We, individual, live as human & often left the most simple & easy question to be answer.

"What is love?"

The answer is very subjective, we all feel & understand love in different ways as according to our characters. after watching a korean movie 'The Naked Kitchen' I started to understand. If you seriously considered the question you might find that you are confused which means you are on the right track. The most important thing is the thought process & the reason why I thinking too rational. Often then not, love is not very rational. Now, I know what & how is love. I love Desmond now is what that matter most to me.

Thank you, Baby. Grace too, for contributing some ideas. I am in love with this song 'Dance with my father again' & whilst listening to this song my dad danced with me. Very wise choice that my Dad & Des are studying now=) upgrade & asorb more knowledge.

Bid Here

Adious

안녕!

Beautiful President

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I look up to him as the greatest leader at all time, as much as MM Lee but better!! Being a wise man, he speaks like one.. Too much sincerely & hence making his words unforgettable. Thank you President Obama!!

하나님께 영광을 , you give me faith cos you believe & I'm everything I'm because you love me

Adious