Which is harder: The pain of undergoing a divorce or learning how to love again?

没有一点点防备也没有一丝顾虑, 他就这样出现在我的世界里带给我惊喜...情不自已.
可是又在我不知不觉中悄悄的消失, 从我的世界里没有音讯剩下的只是回忆.
尽管他我是陌生人是过路人, 但彼此还是感觉到了对方的一个眼神,一个心跳,一种意想不到的快乐,好像是一场梦境;命中注定.
"世界之大为何我们相遇难道是缘分 难道是天意"- 我苦恼的问自己,不知不觉发现一个事实.
他存在我深深的脑海里,我的梦里,我的心里,我的歌声里..

2 more days to be the weirdest 5th months, I dont even know what I am counting on but I am still counting.. Perhaps I am not busy enough, now that I lighted myself a lot now that she is attached & naturally everyone have been asking about mine too. If you are curious about my Facebook married status, that is an April fool's joke which Daniel & I have decided to play a prank with everyone. Bad for him, no one believed him because he is just too playful. As for me, thank you for all the ADVANCED blessings, I truly appreciates it. However, if you know me well - I have a different standards for flings & boyfriends (potential husband to be). Dont get me wrong, he is charming but it will take me more than 6 hours of chatting to marry someone (that is me). I am crazy but not enough to use my future as bargaining chips for fun.

Skyped with one of my favorite ladies in the world, I am happy & excited to have the idea of spending Xmas & New Year's Eve together. Definitely a wild one... ....

How long will I love you? As long as stars are above you, and longer if I can.
How long will I need you? As long as the seasons need to follow their plan.
How long will I be with you? As long as the sea is bound to wash upon the sand.
How long will I want you? As long as you want me to, and longer by far.
How long will I have to wait to be noticed & loved by you???

I love the fact of loving you but I need more than memories... ...

I will be swamped with work & life in June & July.. YESH, Swamped
Laos to July, Batam to August, November to Hong Kong, December - Birthday to Cambodia (I think) & Xmas to Thailand

Paintball, World Cup, Dieting, Diner en Blanc, DragonBoating & good friends will keep me busy for now.

What is the price of pursuing of happiness?

The question of ‘What do I want?’ should co-exist with the above question, so to be focused about our objective. As an ambitious individual, at the same time, lucky me – I have no idea what great things I did in my lifetime, but one thing I know for sure is that something up in the heaven has always covered me well enough.

This question came to me randomly after a lunch appointment with Andrew & Charles 3 weeks ago, followed by The Bible & reading towards the last chapter of ‘The Wolf of Wall Street’. Thru all of these, I understand better about the very concept of “Everything has a price to pay”.

The answer to these thoughts came slapping at my face, after a week of dwelling about the question of unknown amount of haters / enemies I have. When the High Priest was coaxing Romans to crucify Jesus, as to suppress the followers & maintained its sacred front. I was wondering why wasn’t Jesus angry about the fact that the people chose to listen to words of whispers, and as a result of the release of the murderer instead of him. A similar situation happened to me, with regards to the fact why I wasn’t chosen in the previous race. Why do I have to go thru more sufferings when I am the strong & sensible one, the one who seeks & speak the truths?

Jesus prayed to God and asked for his forgiveness to the people as they do not know what they are doing. What Jesus does not know is that he only was a spirit in human body, but he was the son of the almighty; and he honestly thought that the seven deadly sins does not live in the body of a human. Unfortunately it does, at the moment Adam & Eve consumed the forbidden fruit and Cain killed Abel – they lives with us. I do feel jealously living inside me at times, but thank God it was never that great for me to harbor bad intentions on people. I have no such free time to waste on them, at least I speaking for up to this moment I living until.

This post is doubtlessly a lil philosophical; most people are unable to comprehend at all. It is pointless of me to explain to you if you have not explored life in this perspective & let alone the answer, could just be a waste of time.  

In Hanoi, I met a couple who sent me wisdom about love & make me understand a lil more about it. I could actually sees thru those pair of eyes when they looked at each other – even after 10 years of being together. I said to them, I thought I saw you but I think that was just me being deluded. The London guy said to me that he was a divorcee and met this French lady (the love of his life) even before he met his ex-wife, but it did not happen. After all of these, she is mine again – he once puzzled about the work of fate. He said ‘Just let it be, let your feelings flow – The harder you want to bury it, the more difficult it will be. If you would just let it flow, at some point, you will discover that you are not missing him that much.’

Guess what, I walked pass the convenient store we were at last night & stood there to giggle a lil. After living for 24 years, you are my only regret I ever have was the day I let you slip out of my hands. I am still battling the million questions after 104 days passed by in a wink. The kind of love I wanted is you, why did you cross my life and will I just be meeting a second best? Or that could be your false side? I guess you are well enough, perhaps met someone else & had me forgotten too long ago too. I am coping well too, I still have the urge to keep in touch with you but I do not want to disturb you at all. I am glad that I managed to love you, and not someone else. I had a couple of guys mingling around, but I have decided to cut all away as I am not ready for anyone yet. Perhaps soon enough, I will definitely be & I have to be.

In the meantime, I am undergoing a diet plan to cut down 6kg at least. Fun is always with me, despite the fact that I have not been participating my usual activity at all – My friends are giving up on me, so do I. Life will be simple for me, other than work, I will be exercising 3 weekdays, Friday & Saturday will be drink days with Saturday and Sunday as Dragon Boating practices to prepare for Boracay competition. I will be taking a small trip once a month, and my next long trip will be in July-August I supposed. Till next time.

With love,

Sandral

Untitled & Free

I should have tons of things to update everyone, kinda true – but I do not have the time to. I did come up an agenda of the various topics in my mind:

1.       Impact of the Hanoi Trip

2.       Complaint about Halong Bay Tour

3.       Experiences & Thoughts

4.       Life as it is – For Now

5.       Sandral’s Guide: Chapter 1 – What is Love?

Right now, Im taking an hour of time off from work because I am mentally stressed up about ONE particular matter.  I have to write it out, recently I am not very keen to speak to anyone in the world now. Reading, typing and writing are my favorite pastimes for now; and being a lazy bum at home.  

I had a great time in Hanoi, observed, talked, heard, and experienced a lot of things, people, and adventures. The fact that I managed to only obtain a minor injury on my left elbow from a two-time fall, I get to appreciate myself more. THANKS FOR ALL THE LOVE BEING SHOWERED TO ME. Im fully aware that I am not very well-loved, even when I was a kid – there are many people followed me around being of my popularity, information, network & etc. However, throughout the years, I managed to filter and see thru people & deal with a better state of grace. I love how I am interacting with people, those who know & love me / even attempt to – I know & they know that we will be there & OTHERS – Fcuk off. The more I give, the more I gain & it doesn’t upset me very much anymore.

Here, I am going to share 2 stories from my latest trip. First, whilst I was in the mountain tour in Sapa – a village lady did a FREE fortune-telling, just by grabbing me and my palm – my tour guide being the translator. She translated this to me ‘You have a generous heart, bright personality and wealthy person by looking at your face. Thru my both palms, I see determination, hardworking, powerful, and well-liked person with strong personality. You will be blessed with everything you seek for, and bring luck to your family & people around you.’ FYI, she is not the first – 80% of the fortune-tellers said almost similar things. Such prophecy terrifies me than anything, what are my capabilities and limitations? 

Second story; regarding this incident happened in the bus journey from Sapa to Hanoi City, a French old lady was being dragged / pulled around by the bus driver who only can communicate in Vietnamese. I had to shout ‘Any Vietnamese who can speak English here?’ THRICE in the bus, before someone came forward to help. I appreciate it despite of that delay. I did some fact studies in Hanoi, that every kiddo receives FREE education up to 15 YO (High School) & English one of the subjects taught. However, there aren’t a lot of people using it because of FEAR & it isn’t properly taught in school – how much can a person learn with 4 hours and many subjects in school?

Last night, I learnt that I have a bunch of Indian supporters – they are construction workers from my previous work from many years ago. I THINK I received the highest compliment in their way, I was called ‘Indian Actress’ & I had to giggle on my bed so loud. Then, on my way to Lao Cai, I met Xiao Ying (Korean girl), Yoshi (Japanese guy) & Hanh (Vietnamese guy). When I think back to that day, my cabin was all filled with Vietnameses. YET when the other TWO foreigners boarded the train from different stations, they are assigned to sit behide (Yoshi) me & beside (Xiao Ying) me. Before Yoshi & Hanh boarded the train, a random creepy Vietnamese sat beside me and stared at my face, while my eyes was on my hp screen – watching the Reign.

Today’s story – is about Hanh – a Engineering undergrad earning USD200/month & I thought I was going deaf. He came to sit beside Yoshi DARINGLY, announcing that he wishes to communicate and learn English with us. Honestly, I was more into Xiao Ying because I want to improve my Korean. The 12hrs journey went on & on in English & at some point, I saw a lil of me in Hanh’s eyes. By now, if you were in my past, you already know how horrific my English was at one point. I worked very hard until today & haven’t stop learning. Last night, Hanh introduced a girl friend of his to me & she earnestly called me ‘Sandra’ numerous times & finally got my name right after 3 times of me typing ‘My name is Sandral , Sandra WITH L’.

I fancy people who are diligent and do self-improvement, especially living in Singapore – I know too many people who are full of themselves when they are just another empty-bottle. So I was very disturbed by the fact that my limited self to assist them. ‘What can I possibly do for them?’ haunts me. The song ‘The riddle’ by Five for Fighting is playing over my computer now. “… Here’s a riddle for you, find the answer. There is a reason for the world, you & I.” Thank you for lightening my mood a lil. 

This year, I wish to help people who truly need help & wish that they could benefit something & use the same spirit to help others. Spreading the Love, I supposed. I need to find a way to do this, in my less taxing time too.

Lastly, I have query of 'do you have a bf now bla bla bla...' I wish I have but is not my time yet. When I am dating, it will be published in the newspaper so stop asking.

As I am finishing this writing, a random thought came across my mind – I think I am able to answer Dylan Fuller’s question about ‘what am I running away from?’ when I do my random backpacking trips. I spend more time dedicating time to EVERY OTHER THINGS than to myself, whereas I would at least bother about myself when I backpack alone. I spent time reflecting about ‘whether I love myself enough?’; ‘what am I lacking?’; and solutions / mind-maps.

I will be meeting my future-husband-NOT aka Princess later, i HOPE that I will not attempt to murder him for some reasons.

Lunar New Year

Happy Lunar New Year!! Currently my house has too many people, so I am having a retreat in my own bedroom. Was helping out in the kitchen for the steamboat, and my dad's sworn-brothers were complimenting me whilst teasing my mom. Our relationship has always been not too well, but it is not the estrangled one - we just cannot communicate - something that we dragged too long to even try to retify it. So tey said 'This daughter of yours deserve to be doted as much as the others, plus she is so witty (like daddy) etc..' I enjoyed to see how she changed the topic abruptly.

I know that there were times I did mentioned that I hate her, that was because I think I love her too much. I was simply disturbed by the fact that my mum is never impressed by me, & all I cared was her to praise me for everything I did well. Never happened; but she is a critic when I does the slightest wrong. NOW, I choose to live a life that I deserved to - I will be lying if I claim that I stop yearning for her to love me.

This is one of the many reasons why I adore Eminem, I respect his candid-ness & people like us who expresses ourselves are the ones that are unlikely to habour ill-intention, especially to our family. I love my family, for now - apart from the goal to promote humanity & myself, MY FAMILY members are top in my list. I will kill anyone who touches them; they are my bottom-line.

I am very impressed with the fact that in his latest album, he found peace with himself to forgive himself & his mom. Most importantly, he expressed my undescrible words to my mum. I appreciate this so much... ...  too much....I guessed we grow and changes everyday... Let this song do the talking.

Well, I am officially JOBLESS as of yesterday, since I might have to go back and help them out so it is not YET a real goodbye to my old office.. Of course, I am overly-excited to start my new job, people, environment & things to learn. I really have too many goals to achieve this year, and I wish to do it well!

Last night I met a Brit who he reminds me about you, the way he tried to pick me up was very unique (reminded me of the day I walked to you). He did a palm reading (I doubt that he really know how to), but as a Harvard guy.. he was pretty convincing. He said that I will be successful, with 2 daughters, good family and etc.. Hahaha, I wish life is as easy as he described.

Whatever it is, I am happy that you are doing well in whereever you are at... .... I am comtemplating to check if you are keen to join me to Hanoi, but I guess not.

Adious,
Sandral

The Luckiest

I managed to have an early Friday night (a glass of wine, 3 pints of beer) & home sweet home before 12. At Kerstin's surprise Birthday party, organised by her Mister, Samuel - really sweet couple. Worth envy for so this is something that I am in the mist of sorting out too.

 

My brain does not function like a normal human being, 'one thing at a time' is a luxury for me. Sometimes I blame the law studies which seems to sharpen my thoughts and that mindmap widen too, but I guess I have only myself to blame for.

 

I guess I am ready to come back to be myself, with ONE COMPLAIN! I have to do something about the background colour of this blog, is killing my eyes. I am too busy making all the important changes in my life now, this has to wait. Please bear with me & it.

 

Coming to a conclusion to quit my job wasnt the toughest decision I made in this aspect of my life, thinking what to do next was. I was plain lucky; born with great luck - someone who gets opportunites coming towards her and people assisting me out. Too lucky, there are times that I thought I could ask for the world too. But of all the things I have, I am cursed with the disability of 2 type of love I need.

 

I met someone that gave me a earthquake, I guess (only guessing) that the possibly of that happening is once in a thousand years. A two days memories seem to be a lifetime of work, the art of fate never fails to surprise me. He is the best birthday present I recieved 4 days before my 24th birthday, but at the moment I was thinking that perhaps the worst too.

 

Having the need to miss him, wishing I could turn back time because my life without him seems a lil lifeless. I am contended with what I have, I have so much more than anybody could have at my age, truly am. He / Love is something I cant have, maybe not at the moment. THEREFORE, I have to live a life being happy missing the foundation of happiness, L.O.V.E. The positive side is that I have the ability to give more and greater love to people, strangers & enemies.

Love is a ruthless game unless you play it good & right. I never saw you coming thru the hand of fate, you are my achilles heel. This is the poem for you, written a couple of day ago...

Only with my heart, I steal you; and only with my heart, I will hug you
Even though my heart cries like it has been torn apart, as it yearns for you
I wont be able to forget, so I will be the only one who remember us
I wont forget you so you can smile and smile brightly, because Im truly grateful for those memories with you
I can hide them and take them out when I am missing you, and I'll be smiling this right now.
As time passes and love grows, there will be times when I resent you. Dont worry about it, because I will remember the days when you hug me affectionately.
Only with my heart, I will want you; and only with my heart I will kiss you.
Dont feel sorry! Whether you love me or not, I know I will feel the same way as this is my life to love you dearly.

I doubt I am ever suitable for love now; despite of me having inborn talents of romantic, creative and bla, I never quite see myself being a good lover. Joy was very helpful in analysising my issues in this department, I am still thinking about it. Whatever it is, I asked God to stop bringing me the wrong guy (right guy, right atmosphere but wrong timing) because I seriously do not need the trouble of feeling for someone and then putting myself in a state of limbo. I can wait, I have too many other things to deal with for now.

Just rejected a booty call from this guy whom I used to had a crush with, nice person but I was never in his list of priority. I giggled reading back a question he asked me..

AL: How do you go from 50 shades of grey to no random sex?

Me: Afterall you still dont know me at all, I am going from no random sex to 50 shades of grey. It is an erotic book BUT a romance itself, the only reason why I always want and need my very own Mr Grey.

I can afford to wait, a holy virgin for now.. not Holey, holly nor horny! So whilst trying to adapt to my new career, I planned to forget about you within this 6 months. Missing you is too painful for me, I wished you had say something to me to make it easier and quicker to help me out. I am cool for now, we all know I am strong enough for this, and if I cant forget you by this deadline - I have a lifetime to do so..

 

人无法决定会为谁动心 (We cannot choose who our hearts beat for)
但至少可以决定放不放弃 (But we could decide to give up on this yearning)
我承认我　还是会爱着你 (Admittedly, I will still love you)
但我将永不再触碰这记忆 (With the promise to myself that I will not hold onto the memories)

记得要忘记, 我提醒自己 (I will constantly reminding myself to forget about you)

毕竟只是很偶然的那种相遇 (Afterall, it will be a very rare occurance that we will bump onto each other again)

你已经是人海中的一个背影 (You should already have walked away)
长长时光我应该要有新的回忆 (Someday, I will have new memories)
不会不容易, 我有一辈子足够用来忘记 (As for now, it will not be that difficult because I have a lifetime to forget you)

Im going to prepare myself for Dragon Boating. Seeing my favourite ladies (probably the first batch of girlfriends I have in life) tomorrow for Thahira's wedding. I am so happy for her, and blessed her with her new chapter of life.

Need to dealt with Hanoi/China trip in Feb & Boracay trip in April tonight.. Excited to meet Ms Josette (the rare Long Island girl) to go Halong bay together! Have to reply Sean aka the crazy Korean's email. Have to do something to my pimples, dont want to be accused of depression during Chinese New Year.

Adious for now! 

The late 2013 parting video...

FINALLY!! My apologise for being late, I hope it does not alter anything. I have been nothing but hectically busy, and this video was giving me trouble.. took me 10 years to upload!In any case if you happened to be not in the video, yet you think and know that I love you – you are truly missed. Otherwise, if we did had a great time together (could tell from my face easily) – you can safely assume that you are definitely remembered. Thank you for all the contributors of the pictures, I own most of them, stolen the rest from Facebook. If you dont look to good in the video, please do not send me any legal letter too.

I have to run now.. chat later.. I really hope you guys will love it..

P.S - I used a Scottish poem, I really HEART most Scottish folks!! 

 

http://youtu.be/ZDxRCNabHC4

 

Have a good weekend & hope you enjoy it! I will be paddling today!

p.s Im still renovating this blog..

My very 1st Blog after years of UNBlog

Cuanto tiempo sin verte! I don’t wish to answer why I stop blogging for so long, because I cannot even remember what I ate yesterday. Why did I decided to blog again?

I have many friends to thank for, pestering, encouraging me to and mainly because Im still lost; which many would not believe. Whatever it is, before I start anything – PLEASE BE WARNED THAT YOU ARE READING MY BLOG AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION. Sometimes my thoughts may be too deep & unfathomable to some of you, that’s fine but please do not start crying. I will only guarantee that you will not be bored by me. 

Yes unfortunately, I will still fire up on certain touchy topics. Yet again, my perspective might have changed on certain matters. The bottom line is that I will be writing with passion, so if you can observe my feelings – most probably you could see & find the best effects of the words. With my view points, I covers on almost everything that circulates my life, experiences, stories, travel, food, drinks, living, news, and etc. FEEL FREE TO DISAGREE, leave & live with your views – There is no wrongs/rights on this! And please do not tell me what to do

I am still a lil crazy, maybe gotten a lil better – I mean CRAZIER. I will be blogging about my latest trip after New Year, for now I have my own agenda to do. This solo trip was somewhat needed for me, and was one of the many reason I decided to blog again too. I am thankful for it, for the many people that was brought to me. 

I went thru heaps especially this few years, grew a lil and answered some matters of heart. I want to live a complete life, but have not really dare myself to do it again after the fall I had many years ago. Perhaps I may be asking too much (greedy again), I think I am ready to love but I need more time to verify with myself. 

Honestly, sometimes I will still be wondering what is my purpose living in this world. Why was I even born? Bla bla bla, despite of not having a definite goal now – I have to say I am still very thankful for my life. How blunt I am (which many calls me arrogant), is how true I am too (which some may start calling me pretentious in no time). Go ahead, you have my blessing to dislike me, if you must. 

I live a flexible, fun & fabulous life with my fixed principles. When you know me, you either love or loathe me. Now, coming back to now – Today I will not be writing too much (look up again, Sandral)! I will be listing my 2014 resolution list which is restricted to 24 newly added & the usual unusual old ones. 

My 2014 Resolution TWELVE List

1. Pray more, Whine less, Read, Observe and understand more
2. Stay away from the negative people, especially those cheaters, liar, haters and friends.
3. To be acknowledged and love by her, at least help her to see a lil of my alternate virtues.
4. Since I loss 6kg in 6months after Dragon Boating, now Im 56kg. So I want to achieve ideally 46kg but 50kg is awesome enough in reality.
5. Conquer 5 more mountains, winning for dragon boating, back for tennis & ?golf? and …. … 1 Skydiving (I hope Dad would negates this)
6. Doing at least 4 charity works
7. Stop messing around & study to achieve my LLB (2^nd upper Hons) in 2014 or 2015. The process of studying is very important.
8. Finding my goals for the next 5 years and soar higher for the coming years
9.  I was spending so much time this year to find justifications to forgive myself & stupidity. However, I did forgive myself when I met my best redemption aka birthday present (not just a pretty face but someone who I sees so much connection with in life) who came into my life from nowhere. Hope he notices it as well & wherever he is, may him be blessed & loved with my fair share of love.   
10. Meeting someone whom I can love & to be loved by me. What do I have to lose, is just trying to fall in love? Should be easier than a lot of crazy things I have done.
11. Stay beautiful, pretty, crazy, funny, real, happy, peaceful, playful and be myself. What else?  May try to party less, drinks hmmmm… see how it goes…  
12. Live Love LOL always

#iheartmyfamilytruly I better head home for some rest..

Cheerios,

Sandral

Adious.

P.S – A quick question to ponder & inevitably am more interested in your explanation – Do you think plants have souls? Why? 

Lost Entry

I am typing this entry with a heavy heart and the feeling is indescrible. I dont know how to start telling anyone I know and this is the reason why I am typing it out. Perhaps, I should start with the korean drama; Royal Family, which I am watching thesedays. It is about a poor lady who married into the Korean Royal (Richest) Family and being outcasted. Until the day, her husband passed away she decided to take back what she truly deserves in the family. From there, many many secrets of her are about to reveal. She is not a bad person, just that life werent helping her. She reminded me of myself and my life.

Honestly, at my age, I have been through some failures and lessons to be where I am now. If you were to ask me whether I am satisfied / proud with what & where I am today? The answer is definitely a 'No', but I am relatively contended. At the same time, there is a uneasy feeling within. Perhaps, my life have not been as peaceful and beautiful as now. I started to fight for my life from nothing more than anger; now I have everything except anger. I am not even halfway through my journey.

I want to be really successful in life. The question is am I and is that the reason why I am not working hard? Or I am just too stressful, but I dont see that as an excuse for anything. I cannot afford to lose, I cant because I lost too much perviously. This aint the time to be thinking about anything but studies. I am willing to lose many things or people, to ace it. As much as there are many things I wishes to keep in life, I know it is beyond my power to choose who & what to keep. Comparing to fate, my gambling chips are very limited. Therefore, I am not going to beg for anything else and in fact, I am always prepared to survive on my own.

You can call me a coward by all means, this is the best remedy for me though. I chose logic over emotions on the day I begged for the changes in my life, one must never and will not be regretful for that. In other words, as long as I will do anything if it does not required me to kill, hurt my family and good friends.

I wanted to be different from my mum and sisters; wanna be strong and need not depend on anyone for anything. At the same time, I am afraid that I become too smart and in the future no one would dare to date me anymore (maybe weirdo's). I feel like an alien so I asked myself whether is this what I really want? It is truly funny, life is strange.

I was chatting with Ezra few days back, we have similar goals but different methods of achieving it. There is no right or wrong in the process, it is really how much you are willing to go to achieve it. Honestly, it is perfectly fine if you dont understand this entry because the title is 'lost entry'.

Dear God, if you are reading this, can you please guide me?

I might be too stress because I dont know where to start for my exam, too focused on the outcome; the honours / nothing / failing. Fcuk! Sometimes, I beg myself to shed some tears to relieve myself from the stress but I just cant.

Thank you for wasting your time here!

BTW, I turned twenty-one =)

Love,

Owin

Delicating to the two most important man in my entire life

I not exactly free on a friday afternoon, but I come to miss this song which I had not hear for quite a while. On top of that, Thanksgiving is around the corner and I just want to give thanks.

I am turning twenty-one in barely 23 days time, I will be lying if I say that I will ask of nothing. At times, I do think that I am lacking of everything but when I ponder carefully I owns alot of things too. Apart from not being loved by my mother, I should not have much to complain. Yet, I used to whine on useless issues. Even though, I am not as lucky as many of you who has a mother to love you and yet I seriously think I am very bliss within this life already.

I wish to thank those who took part in my life; my kiddy, primary & secondary pals, college, work and people whom I directly came across from all woks of life. Thank you & God bless! Perhaps, you may think I am insane for saying this but you never know whether you might be the one of those who left me a great story which is important to me.

Those who have saved me from the devil's house, my most sincerely apology and thank you to all of you. Especially Austin, I owe you alot.

My friends who taught me to learn and treasure; Rachel, Grace, Tracy - God sent angels to me since the start of my new life. Alongside with Ezra, Charles, Stephenie & Lydia - without all of you I probably could not start to walk. A big hug and thanks to all of you!

Desmond, a huge contribution of joy to my life for the past 3 years. I could not imagine how one will become without meeting you and your graceful family. You might not know how much it meant to me, to learn to lean on a complete family. Thank you for your every love to me, I might not love you as much as you do for me but I give thanks and try very hard to catch up with you. I am having a very meaningful journey with you and will remember it in my heart forever.

Family members are those beyond my capability to choose whether to have them in my life, I might not fancy it but life still moves on. My adorable niece who has the ability to brighten my day when I see her and I pray for her to be well and happy in this life. My clever lil brother, probably the only loved boy in my life has the ability to keep my heart safe. My two sisters who are always chasing behide me, my only prayer for the two of you is to find a place you belong and live a down to earth life.

My mother who I think is not the one who give birth to me; you might have hated me for your entire life and it will be a lie if I says I did not dislike you after all you done for & to me. Perhaps, you were too blind to see that I actually loved you and yearned for your love at some point of my life then. It does not matter now, because you are just another person in my life. At least until today, you are the person who contributed the most in my life. I learnt from the mistakes you made in your life and does the opposite of you, seeing the way you fell and never fall again, your ignorance made me smarter than I can actually be, your superficial that makes me fill myself with thoughts and your everything to be not my everything.

Perhaps, loving my father is the only thing which I have in common with my mother. I love him and I presumed that she does too. My beloved father, the man but not the only one that I am in love with and until today I am very sure of his love for me too. I am utterly indebted to him, doubt to be able to see the world clearly and carefully without his care, doubt to be so sensible without his scoldings, doubt to have learn to be creative without his teachings, doubt to be where I am without his encouragements and support. Thank you my dearest dad.

The second man whom I need to thank and owe him my entire life, is to you; Dearest mightly God. Every every individual things, including being to be able to wake up and see my family or gets back home safety because you love me. You showered me with too much love which I cannot ever finish thanking you for. For all the prayers and even the above thanking I said, will be fulfill because of you. I love to sing the song "Dear Mr. God" when I gets to see you in any event and do remind me. I promise it wont be awful.

I delicated this beautiful song sang by Celine Dion just for these two of the greatest man in my life. Thank you.

BTW, I am back to school; a new platform and seriously tougher than ever - My game is a Second Upper Honours but Lower is fine too. I doubt I have time to celebrate my birthday, will try though. Also, I wont be around from 18 - 29 Dec because I am going to Canada for holiday. My exam will be in May 2011, very nervous and excited about it.

Happy thanksgiving day!

Till we meet again.

Adious

Sane vs. Insane

Have you wondered that why insane is not called as "unsane"? The meaning of sane is 'free from mental disorders' or 'sound/healthy' as defined in the dictionary. In the same dictionary, insane is obviously defined as the opposite of sane; 'unsound' or 'have mental disorder'.

Then, I would like to ask for the definition of mental disorder as mental is mind and disorder means lacking organization or in confusion. Is this the right definition put forward to us? Then, it should be called as "unsane", should not it? Why insane?

I am reading a new book witten by Jodi Picoult recommended by Ms. Rachel Tan. HOUSERULES is about Jacob Hunt, a teenage boy with Asperger's Syndrome (AS). He is hopeless at reading social cues or expressing himself well to others. However, like many kids with AS, he has a special focus on one subject - in his case, forensic analysis. One day his tutor is found dead, and the police come to question him. All of the hallmark behaviors of OS, actually look a heck of a lot like guiltt to law enforcement personnel and hence he is accused of murder. Thus, his mother need to find evidence to prove her son innocence.

Some background information of AS; is one of the autism spectrum disorders - a range of psychological conditions that are characterised by abnormalities of social interaction, communication and imagination, and by restricted and repetitive interests and behaviour. Although there are many overlaps with other autistic conditions, people with AS generally have fewer problems with speaking, learning disabilities and are often of average, or above average, intelligence.

Asperger's Syndrome (AS) is a form is austism and austism is classified as mental disorder in general. People with AS are mostly in order and clear at most of the time, then something is wrong in the dictionary / general definition, isnt it? Otherwise, should not it be called as "unsane" rather than insane.

I decided to put blogged my opinions as it is very interesting. I would think insane is not a disorder of sorts because of the word 'in'. Those who are dignosed as insane, as the matter of fact, they are much sound / healthy than us. The difference is that we, 'sane' people are 60% sound and those 'insane' are 100% sound.

The word and definition of 'sane' and 'insane' are created and put forward by people like us; 60% sound. Then, you are probably thinking that I am insane, isnt it? Logically and evidentially, what I am saying is 80% right. Take AS as an example and conparsion, they are basically purer and smarter than us so what is wrong with them? Their only problem is living in this polluted and complication world, so can it be counted as a disorder reasonably?

A newborn cries when he/she having a problem living in this polluted and complication world, are they counted as insane too? "IN" and "SANE" means that "Much saner than those who are SANE. That is why it is "Insane" not "outsane" or "unsane". Of course, there are people who are less than 40% sound, they should be called "Crazy" instead of Insane. The smartass who created the definition of insane is a unkind person who filled with hatred.

I adores Dixie Chicks because they are brave women who sing their heart out. As you can see, I used their song as my blog title. They are country girls and for that I envying them more because they get to befriend with kindness, peace, freedom and most importantly life. At the same time, I give thanks to be able to get exposed to nature, peace, kind, freedom and life in the recent trip with my dearest friends. I hope that I can have 2 friends who are brave and formed a band and does the same.

World Cup Mania for 5 more days after 25 days of insomnia.

Trunfa Espana! Viva Espana!

I will try to think of more interesting topic. Meanwhile I will want to finish my book!

Bid Here

Owin

A piece of honest words to my sisters

One really wishes that one day, one can get rid of any emotions attachment to everyone then perhaps one will not be so angry at this moment.

Does it even make any sense to you that your so called siblings only have your number when you feel like giving them? And the best thing is that you only communicates to your so called siblings when you thought that she might have something to benefit you?

Although one sounded mad here, honestly, in fact I AM!! I am truly boiling down from my stomach to my head. It is not because I only have her NEW number when she buzzed me. It is because whenever she is telling me are insane.

I know that I do not always produce excellent idea but most of the time, I really do well in giving solution, but people do not appreciates it. Do you know that I was an ugly girl in the past that no guys in the school will be bothered to look at me as a girl? I was born ugly perhaps because in my past life I really did awful things to hurt people. Now look at me, I am no longer ugly because whatever I thinks and does are healthy. As much as it would seem like a joke to you, I am serious and very clear-minded of what I am saying.

I am blessed with talents which I made used of nothing when I was young but I did not make good usage of it, I chose to laze around (I am not regrettful of my actions). That's why I chose to study life and to you, I sounded like "Miss Know Everything" or "Miss Perfect"! I have as many flaws as you have but I am happy and proud of it because I really do know what are my flaws, do you?

I am a heartless, pragmatic person; with all costs I will make sure my plans goes well and you can rest assured that if I given you my promise to help you with something, you will have my back till the end! I am done tons of things which are rotten, but I know every single rotten things I have done to try to redeem myself. I live for myself, no liabilty and carefree but I am very forgiving to the people I care about. I live my life to do well, trying to put my head high but I am always ashamed of my family. It is only until these few years I then honestly speaks of them, as some of them are so rotten to a stage where they are hopeless.

I loathe to put names which irritates me in my blog but it is neccessary in order for me to narrate to you about my feelings. My so called sister, Sofina grow up phyiscally but her mentally never out-grow more than 12 year old kid. She is the second in my list who can piss me off to the core, first in my list is known without saying. She is good-looking and tall but stupid according to the objective test. Yet, she thinks that she is intelligent and beautiful, I mean SERIOUSLY!! Also, she thinks she has alot of loyal, smart and pretty friends and she is always in the spotlight of everything (she really like it). Last but not least, she is still irresponsible to herself, yet alone her poor child.

I always thought that I have the worst of luck because I chose a lousy mother, but I indeed have a nice father as I knew it since young. After this niece was born, I felt that I am way better than her and being able to be educated and healthy. She has a stupid mother and a idiotic father. My so called sister thinks she is very smart because now she is a mother making her thinks that she is very knowledgable. I studied one year of law and yet I speak of things only when I know, on the other hand, she only completed PSLE (studied till Secondary 4 but did not take the N Level exam) and god knows her intelligent friends are, speaks of subject matter regarding to law like as though they are lawyers. Frankly, they are just a bunch of idiots. (Yes, I am insulting you guys!)

My so-called sister wants to change the last name of her child to my dad's surname. Okie, FINE! I asked her why in the first place you allow her to follow her father, Jun De surname? She replied like an idiot: "Because I was forced to!". Do you guys not agree with me that it is the most hilarious & dumb execuse in the world? If you were forced to, how come for the 7 month you spoke of nothing about it? Dont try to fcuk with me with your mentality!! I never seen anyone holding a weapon to threaten you for that, and you thought you are talking to your brainless 'friend' who will pity you just now! Look for a priet to cry and whine for that, not me.

Sofina & Junde were not in the term of marriage, why have dion? The reason is not because she dont want to kill a innocent life, it is because she is angry and selfish person. Fcuk up person, fcuk up!! Knowing that he is still very immature BUT his family is rich, so her so-called mother was excited too. Fine, I am not keen to discuss the story of them here. The conclusion is that the baby was born because of her parents' immaturity. Today, there are plently of such babies were born into this world like this.

I cannot to anything to so many babies in this world, so I decided to be kind for ONCE and wanted to help ONE. If the two of them were to negotiate and sign it then in March, do you know it will not to be so messy! It is bad enough to be stupid, then they shut each other up and be DUMB and NOW they making themselves look like an IDIOT. I cannot stand having either one of the three words (Stupid, Dumb & Idiot) inside me, I really wonder how the hell so many people including Sofina and Junde can allow themselves to be describe as one of the three.

Today, I got a call from her ASKING me about Deed poll (I am sure she & her friends know nothing about this term) for minor. It is very simple, both parents has to agree yet she want to file a writ to him. Seriously, I really questioned about our relationship because of our brains!! First, stop talking big around here, you jolly well knows that you are poor and stop crapping yourself out for a issue like this. Second, have you spoke to him nicely about it whether he wants to educate and support the child with whatever things she need OR he just want to stand beside her to watch over? Since the child is staying with you, it will be very tough for you when the child need to apply for school because you are the one who she is staying with and be there to see her grow up and Junde is going to have his own family one good day. Ask Junde nicely to let go!

Thirdly, you are not soft but stupid. You have nothing in your eyes except yourself, sorry to say, not even your daughter. You are like your mum who sadly love yourself and how nothing about loving others. You guys are looking for unconditional giving shetlers but you are not giving up anything. Lastly, I urging you to stop dragging anyone down; if you are poor, earn and save it. If you are uneducated, do something about it (reading a good book will be good), feel some shame and guilt for yourself and think of a rough plan for the child. Do you fcuking read a book to your child and speak properly to her?

All I asked from you is to listen & obey me for one year and aftermath you will learn to be good. I am not cursing you here, if you continue your life like this you will become like your mum and when you are old and ugly, you will be a cleaner in the foodcourt or something along that line. Till then, you please continue to enjoy your life and drag everyone down.

Stop looking for attention for yourself, we are going to have a happy occasion soon. Please make yourself helpful just by growing a bit mature by using your brain often, just a little is all I am asking from you now.

Because of you, I am so afraid to end up being you. You indeed is alike your mother.

Your beloved sister,
Sandral Chin

What will be, will be?

We are built from many elements, some known and some unknown still. Some of us have more of these elements, some lesser of that and some times the angels forgot to put some elements on particular few. Hence we ought to be the same, are we not? It is damn exciting to explore life and one does enjoying; how nice if one could be paid to learn more about her. As mentioned, one is only learning her; not learnt her and it will be good if you could learn her beauty as well.

Do you wonder how fast we grew, growing and grows? One has a sudden brainstorm and certainly beautiful to share with you guys. Sandral is twenty, six months and twenty-eight years old today and do you think she changes rapidly as she aged as well? Are the changes good or bad, etc? These questions just pops out today, like some bubbles (easily broken yet unforgettable).

Meanwhile one was doing what one supposed to do, at the same time one was doing a recount in my brain regarding myself. It is so amazing that our brain can really function so well. The phrase “Life will be better if you could just use your goddamn brain” is totally honest although it sounds disturbing. One is sure that my brain could not function better when one was a toddler than how it is now; SO WE AGED TO GROW WISER! There is no “SUPPOSEDLY” because we are going to grow wiser. The difference between many is time; some will have to learn it fast, some slow, some learnt but threw it away because it is difficulty yet some are able to uphold these learning. In my younger days, my dad was very strict on me and taught me all sort of things; moral values, well-mannered and etc. Yet, there is a point of time one actually left all that one learnt in the safe. If one did not try to recall today, it will probably be locked forever too.

One cannot help but need to compare myself as far as one can recall who I was. The furthest one can conclude is when one was five, was a quiet girl and only speaks to one boy named Fabian (could not remember his last name) and there was another boy who loves to disturb me. The graduation performance was loved by a pool of crowd. Then one proceed to primary school, year one and two memories were very vague. Year three, one was in a new environment and was very tomboy-ish! One had made a couple of cool friends mostly guys and run around during every recess time. Year five, made some girlfriends and personally one thinks we were quite close and good together. One also discovered that one actually fancied one of her good friends but never dared to confess at all. Last year of primary school, one then realized that she is really popular amongst guys unfortunately not too close to girls. Till here, one was very naïve, kind, funny, stupid, cheerful and most importantly young.

One thinks that secondary school is the point where one changes rapidly because one learnt about feelings; what is like, what is dislike, what is the line between helpful and busybody, what is betrayal, what is hatred and etc. The four years was the best of my life at a point of time as one learnt how to trust, take and give love. Yet, the same time one learnt that we cannot trust and be dependent other forever. Also, one thought that she was in love and dreamt that he is her prince charming but it is pure admiration. All and all disappeared when one was hit with reality, this is the starting point of my changes.

One was so determined to change for the better; one paid a huge price for all this. The exchange of my friends, innocence, youth, kindness and myself were as good as dead, nevertheless one really does well till here. No doubt there are cons to my changes, one is damn practical, economical, straightforward and cunning compared to that young naïve girl.

“What will be, will be” shows us the beauty of life, did it? One highly doubts that one could make it in life as much as many want me to. Honestly, one was a caterpillar which did not know that it can actually transform to a butterfly. Therefore, all we have to do is to do the best we could and the good will come to you eventually.

Btw, I am into High Society music esp Hymnes. My dearest friends, just put your best in the exam and leave the rest to rest! I will pray and wait for you guys to rejoin the world (me)!

Bid here,
Sandral Owin

You Reap What You Sow

"One reap what one sow"

One believed this is told to many across through all religions. You should have heard it but do you understand it?

Today, one would like to share with you a story involving a mother, she has 3 daughters which one hopes some kind soul will publicise it. She dislike the eldest for some unexplained reasons and hence she conveniently assumed that the eldest daughter always hates her. She doted the second daughter like the pearl of her life, whatever wrong things that the second daughter done legally or morally is always right in her eyes. She used to doted the younger daughter for she was the slower and weaker amongst the three but no longer so for no reasons.

Thus, the younger daughter drifted apart from the family and being emotionally instability, helplessly needed a pillar for herself because she has yet to know her potential for everything in this life. The second daughter being spoiled, is an almost hopeless person; quit school at sixteen (Most silly thing, she was about to take her GCE "N" level) and dated guys who are useless and in a moment of spite decided to become a single mother of one baby girl, she pretends to be smart ass, rich rag and pretty person with a layer of thick powder. The elder one being the outcast daughter, only have a motto which is to learn everything, especially the wrong things to do things right and hence be different and very successful person person. Hence, she rebelled, indifference and wants to make a different and to outshines amongst all she make sure she score the best. She forced herself to think like an adult in her teens just trying to be in the same wavelength as her mother, hoping that she will like her one good day.

Apparently, all of her effort goes down to drain because the mother never appreciates it. Perhaps, the reason is that she is uneducated but when the youngest daughter wants to go back to school, she seem to be quite happy about it. The mother said that since the eldest one love to study and always trying to leech the husband off to finish her degree, yet unable to get any scholarship is a true disgrace. If what the mother said about unable to try a scholarship is a disgrace, what about the second daughter being an uneducated, brainless single mother who thinks she is god-damn pretty and the world owes her and her baby girl a living?

The eldest daughter has observed the mother for years silently and managed to find out the root of the problem and whatever she is going to type out are the truth and most of the truth are affirmed by the daughters of the mother and her husband. It is accepted that the eldest daughter is not at fault most of the time and all her faults are the mistakes of her mother (You reap what you sow), hence the mother never should have the eldest daughter. She wanted to be accepted by her husband family and hence she needed a male heir. Whilst loving the child in her stomach for ten months, she learns how to hate aftermath. The mother thinks that the eldest one is a jinx to her, do you not agree that it is her own greed that caused her to have a jinx?

The eldest one figured out that the mother was never in the mothers' wavelength as she is a person who refused and stopped thinking properly for almost half of her life. She felt for the mother before because if it was not for her, she might not be in this pitiful state. Come to think of it, the fault lies on the day the mother who naively thinks that marriage solved everything that she need to solved and even the things she needed physically, mentally and financially. Thus, it is the mother's action which caused her own pathetic and poor drama today.

The eldest daughter figured out that the mother hates the eldest child because she was not able to get loved even till today, twenty-one year later. Also, she figured out that why the mother was not loved because she has the slightest idea of love. The greatest love is giving and when you truly mastered it then you will experienced love. However, it does not suffice to learn love because we are expected to learn to feel everything. Thus, we born 'are expected to' not 'to expect' anything from the world, do you not agree?

The eldest daughter figured out that the mother expect all her children supposed to be like her not better than her, was unable to acknowledge and accept the fact that any of her daughters were to be better than her. It is not difficult to be better than the mother because she has no idea to sew, clean the house properly, and most importantly cooks awfully. All the eldest daughter was trying to do was learning all the mother's flaws to help her out and make her like her a little, fortunately it is the negative impact. Who do you blame when any of your daughters were to born smart than you?

The eldest daughter figured out and confronted her directly because she tried all the methods and no improvement were made. It is within the power of everyone that who the mother pushed the blames on. Yes, everyone but herself. She blames on her father whom died when she was young, her step-father who abused her and her mother for having too much kids hence she is unable to learn and do anything that she should. BLA BLA BLA~

If we followed the above theory, all the three daughters should become a clone of the mother? How do you explained only one who is the second daughter has cloned her, not the eldest and the youngest? The two daughters are not fantastic nevertheless they are trying to figure out how to be a better person in life, it is not a right thing to do?

Of course, the eldest and youngest daughters are nevertheless capable to clone her, but they chosen not to. Today, they are taking their time to pick the right one and make a good judgment in their life and soar high. They are going to have a better life compared to the second sister for sure, as they have the power to make choices. Life is like a game of chest with privileges for those who cherish their life even you do not have any choice left, God will definitely give you a good one.

In my previous entry, one mentioned that you should treat yourself well and whilst treating yourself well, hurt none. Sometimes, we are really need to be generous to those who are unkind to us. God will be fair, one is telling you that you are the one and only person who is responsible and be responsible for the things you have done. You either acknowledge and accept all your punishments or stay where you are and always whine about it.

With regards to everything that happened between my mother and me, one is not sorry about it at all. She tried her best to revenge on us for all she did not have and nothing, attempt to make us handicapped. All one did was to defend myself; make myself very strong, sensible and serious. God is fair, we cannot have everything in the world and hence we always will sacrifice someone /something somehow. It is the reason why I have everything I needed but a mother.

Just as this song - Because of you, to my mother who is the one I spoke of above to make me what I am now. Of course, I will continue to spread my wings and soar high.

Do not worry about me, I am cool as I have learnt how precious is myself and tears are to so she does not deserved my tears to fall because of you (the mother). By the way, I do not hate her as what she thinks at all, neither the past nor now because to me she carries no value in my heart.

If you think one deserved to be punished because one let you down, betray you, insulted you and etc for no reason, you just wait and see. One have gathered all the wrong actions and awaits for my punishments, one truly hope it will come soon and perhaps that is the reason why one always thinks that of dying being so young.

Love you
Bid Here
Owin

*P.S - I am reading The dairy of Anne Frank, planning for the trip with my good friends and praying for them who are going to take their exam. I was asked to accept a promotion today which I am considering about.

人不为己天诛地灭

From today onwards, I will be blogging what I have been learning in life together with some politics until I decide to start my school with better knowledge, discipline, and me.

As one is really ageing as everyday pass by, I see flashbacks of the kind of people I used to mix around, situations of my shameful side and who I was. Although, I did regretted, cried, got upset about the things that myself, people and situations put me to, still I am very glad and contented about everything that had happened to me for the past 20 years.

Today, I look at myself proudly and dare say that I have learnt well. It is not because I am highly educated or intelligent. The fact is that I only got some street smartness and a pair of sharp eyes. Then why am I proud of myself?

I feel proud every time I look back at;
1. the day I was mocked because of my poor English, hence with anger I pass it with an unexpected grade and learning extra language;
2. the day I made a mistake and teachers started to avoid me, hence with some pity I promise that I never trust and depend on any one fully in life;
3. the day I gotten back my first GCE ‘O’ level result, hence with tears I promised myself that I wont fail any examination; and
4. the day I have to beg for schools to accept me, hence with shame I promised myself that I will never fail myself again.

Because without all of these above wrong I had made, my life would not be so right now that I learnt well about my blog title of this entry.

Ren bu wei ji, tian zhu di mie - When one do not protect own self, heaven will expel and earth will destroy one.

This sentence is very misleading and cunning, as it help plenty of people in this world to succeed yet at the same time many people falls because of it. Some people cannot interpret rightly; some knows it but never try understood it; some understood it but never try applying it; and some applied it but never seem to get it right.

However so, this sentence is very simple and it need not required us to kill a single brain cell to ponder this. How Come?

Whenever I am tempted to do something not right, this sentence will flow out at the back of my mind. Similarly, when I want to do good which could appear to be but in fact stupid. The most priority in my list is to protect myself with the minimum harm to others or if possible without hurting anyone. Now, are you getting the pieces of it?

It might make no sense to you today, but trust me, down the road it will have make some impacts on you. Look at me; I totally changed from a lost teenager to a wiser lady, all thanks to this sentence.

I am trying to make things right; repaying all the wrongs I have done after repenting. At the same time, I look forward too because that is the reason why I am still alive today; Living for a better tomorrow. My dreams will soar high with me even when the whole wide world looks down on me. Today, those who look down on me should be looking at themselves.

Being a very humble person, I have to be very proud in front of them. Why? They need to realize how a failure they are after the continuation of gossiping about me. The confidence, creditable, creative, cunning and cool is the outer layer of me and they will never get pass to see the inner side of me. That is why my life does not stop but start here. I merely make it contestant for this marathon and the destination of this chapter is LINCLON’S INN.

So if you are interested to do something for your life, start now. As sang like this Korean song that how rough may be for you, you can still soar high and stands out amongst the crowd.

I am inexperienced instead of being worried for me; I just wish someone would hug me silently.
I know it is hard for me but my dreams can get me back on my feet.
I am feeling exhausted at times but I cannot give up now.
When the birds fly to the sky, they are like the stars than shines brightly in the night sky.
This is my beginning, telling the world with all my strength then I would not be the same as yesterday anymore.
After saying goodbye to tears and pain, I will spread the wings and try to fly to the sky.
My dream, future, hope and faith are precious jewels. Hence, I will risk everything for that day I achieved them.

Happiness

Hey, I am back from the longest vacation. Learning how to live is my favourite education and I am very pleased to be able to say that, so far I have done well. Well, Law is definitely the second favourite education of mine. Many people actually doubted my ability of attaining it, and at times even myself too. To some people who are reading this may be thinking: "oh, you only pass it with the bare minimum marks". You will probably never see miracles in your pathetic life then, unable to achieve great things in life.

I am regarded as a person with the least problem and carries plently of smile on this pretty face girl. I mean, are you that navie to think that I am happy too or it is because I hid it so well? I think it is the second one, and today I am sharing some little facts about me.

1. I am a very secretive person and so far, none of the people I've known / known me including myself can see more than half of me.
2. I may appeared to be a person who cannot hide secrets yet, I kept 5 VIP secrets for appx 8 years.
3. I may behave weirdly thru the way I behaves and those stupid and funny questions, but I manages to find / observes the things I want to see on people.
4. I may be looking as though I am without a brain, but the brain is working herself even when I am sleeping.
5. I may look stupid but I am not because I am smart and cunning.
6. I may be mean in my words but I am very kind in my soul.
7. I like to make idiots look smart and throw them down from the sky.
8. I may display that I hate actually I only indifference them.
9. I may look weak but I am very strong and cruel when I need to.
10. I never fed myself with hatred but always thankful.
11. I will never speak of problems which I cannot solve because I have an ego of a tiger where I will want to solve it first before getting help from people.

This are some part which make me who I am.

I am a success in my own life as far as I am concerned and truely no disputes about it. When people looks down on me, I prove them wrong. When people pulls me down, I drag them down to their despair.I makes countless mistake which I will not proud of and will be inside my heart as long as I lives. Apart from that, I holds ample of merits like learning english well in my own, complete my diploma, self-study lives, make and find solutions on my own. Yet, at times I am unhappy about my life.

For quite some time, I was seeking for an answer to this particular question which has been left there for all of my life. I am so bliss; blessed with Brain, Brawn and Beauty. If you think that I am not contented with my life there, I dare say that you are so wrong. I am at the stage knowing to count my bliss every single day but I never dare to face my own family. I shut down my door and make sure I dont have to deal with them, knowing that if I do, I will have everlasting problems.

Recently, I have nothing much to deal with, probably my driving lesson and some issues in work. Hence, it enables me to try to accept them and help to give them solution like a family. I know it is hard because of her but I am very glad that the rest of them actually comes together and commits like a family. I have set a target for myself that this crisis will be over before I starts school in December.

To Mrs Chong,

One hope that you are doing well and you are right to say that one was so wrong to run away from my destiny knowing that one can never do it because it will definitely comes back to me. One truely misses you=) Now, whilst trying to find solutions to help this family crisis, one am truely happy even when one am exhausted at times. Thank you for your teachings.

Your Love,
Sandral

To my other beloved besties,

You guys claimed that I am your strength and laughter and yet the very truth is you are the ones who are my strengths and laughters whenever I am on my verge of giving up. I am kind to you because you are very kind to me. I am very bliss to have you as a friend to be able to stand and love my queer character. It does not matter how many miles we are separated, the heart is the one which matters the most. Thank you for your patience.

Your Love,
Sandral

To my dearest loved Desmond,

One may be giving you luck but you definitely gave me more than and one is indebted to you. Being able to cry, smile, joke, show temper with someone was a little dream of mine, and still being loved by you. You helped me to see many of my potential and encourage me on whatever things one wants to do. Listen to me whine for nothing and tolerate my ugly-ness. Thank you for being an angel.

Your sweetest love,
Sandral

Lastly, Thank you Lord for seeing me thru everyday of my insignificant life. If three year ago I did not get to know these peers, I could not find myself and be so bliss right now. Also thank you for helping me to sort out my heart of the matter and will teach me to fulfil this again.

You people are my everything.
Bid Here
Merci
Owin

Chances

Hi, it is blogging time again. I know that my previous entry was kinda depressing but I am not going to be sorry about it. Yes, that does not mean that everyday is a rainy day. However, if your life is raining all the time, the blame lies on you but no others so change yourself first! I am straightforward because I could afford not to. I am who I described myself few years ago when I opened a blogspot account; still the same old me. “When you know me, you either end up loathing or loving me.” I live for myself and I will continue to till I reach my goal but that doesn’t mean I don’t care about nothing.

I care about people who cares, I show my concerns to those who deserves and I will only love those who appreciates. This is how I chose friends, love and life. Those who doesn’t see this side of me or to be more specific, those who are not standing at the same platform as I am, please do disturb me no more. I done too much wrong things in life and it is the best time to make it right now. Life / How I live my life is what I am concern with now because I figured out that no matter how well you doing in your studies/business, you will still be screwed up if your life is. Thus, I am going to run through my life briefly for this few months before I decide to start my Year 2 of my Law Degree.

Many tries to tell me that I have to finish my education soon because I am getting old, as the matter of fact I am only turning twenty-one. Again, it wont be too appreciative of me if I behave/thinks like ten year old (No joke, there are a lot of people out there) when I officially turns twenty-one. I am still ahead of my plans and if I am blessed to die young, why not? If you are concerned with my studies, I will finish my degree in 2012, probably 2013 the latest. I know what I am going, doing in my life so have your least worries for me. That is the problem when you are sick, the doctor give you two days of MC and you have nothing much to do after sleeping.

Recently, I caught two movies on screen in Singapore which I like to share. Similar and connected yet different from one another as the meaning of the stories said. First movie is about the man who changes the life of South Africans and America, Nelson Mandela. A man who weights the big and small issues, knowing yet unwillingly gave up kinship in order to achieve greater achievements. Second movie is about Michael Oher, a man without anything and gotten everything in the end. The two movies involves black men, God’s child and wealthy within.

I felt the second movie was written/acted for me in a way. I am fond of Sandra Bullock not because “Sandra” with a ‘L’ is link to her in a way. It is just her personality is too much alike with mine, I not hinting anything else. I am a person who will pick up a child on street because I am soft at heart of the matters. I am brutally ruthless when I need to, for example, leaving behide a friendship which noone except me bothers about or make the first move for ending a relationship which is not going to work out from time to time. At the same time and most importantly, the movie reminded me that I am a very bliss child with all the chances which given to me, I can probably be the second Michael Oher in some ways, just that I am not successful yet. I am here writing because I want to share some simple words, together with the song, Chances. Just pay attention to the lyrics, you may find an answer to yourself.

Let me tell you why am I so bliss today. I counted all the small tiny good deeds or things which happened to me and compile to become one. That is why my friend, Charles mentioned that I am easily contended. That is because I understand happiness exists everywhere but it is us, humans being who thinks happiness is hard to get. Some people out there who abused happiness will not be surprised that they cannot get their happiness. For instance, many immature girls will want a handsome guy to be their boyfriend AND THEN that is their happiness. Will they be happy being with a handsome guy but not smart, gentle, caring, soulmate and no compassion after that? I bet they would not because they do not understand the meaning of happiness. I appreciate everything happening to me, I do not grumble about the hardship I had that is why happiness exists everywhere to me. Thus, you might not be the third or forth Michael Oher but you are blessed. This is all I want to share today and the rest are inside this meaning songs.

I missing my friends and I am going to see them on Friday. Mrs Chong and Sarah, please be back before CYN! Rachel and Ezra are coming back in June. I am staying with Desmond from Thursday onwards for two weeks. Go to Sentosa probably next Saturday because I am down with illness. I have lots of things to do before Chinese New Year & St Valentine’s day arrives.

Bid here for now!

Love you lots,

Sandral Owin

친구

What I am going to share are all done and nothing can be undone at this point of time. I am kinda relieved now, able to be frank to myself. I started to ponder my actions after an old secondary school friend chatted with me for random sake. I asked Grace, was I wrong doing that and this. I only ask for one thing from you; Understanding, Forgiveness and Be Free.

I have changed physically and mentally within the past few years. No longer that seventeen year old girl who always does things impulsively, I grown up and I growing up well. I planned, planning and make sure everything works well in my life because I accept the theory of Actions & Consequences. I chose to be different from the woman in my household, and so I worked extremely hard for it. I could have marry to any guy I met and form a family. Instead, I working my way up, living the way I want, doing the things I love and finally enjoying my life. Though life is tough for me, but I am truly happy. I prefer life this way, working and learning. Live like a normal person, not too rich nor poor.

ALL in love is fair
Yes, I make choices for myself. I chose to steal, sleep around, disturb / irritated people, be kind to people and etc. Most of my actions comes with an excuse / justification (whatever you want to call it), some I did it for fun and some for love. Those who I once cared for, maybe a little or lot, I think you gotten your fair share and you should be thankful for that. Those who chose to hate me, continue doing so if you really want me to exist in your life forever. Those who I forgo, I am truly and really sorry. Those who I owed, believe me that I will return it all back to you. Those who hurt me, thank you for that because you make me better. Most of the things which I done till now, I have no much of regrets to share.

Bridges
I cant help to recall some of those nice times in the past. Truly, they are the past and you cannot hurt me. I have to admit that I had once given up hopes for People because they are weird, crazy and stupid at times. Yet again, I took great pain and effort to pick myself up and move on and this is the part where the difficulties lie. I done what I should did, I meet people who stands and thinks at the same platform where I am. We come from all woks of life and it is fated to meet you so I am truly thankful.

Thank you for giving me such a great life and I am really bliss and love by all the people who loves me now. I will complete my Law Degree as I have two more good years to go and no one can stop me. If you are jealous, dont be because it is nothing fantastic and God knows maybe you will be doing better than me.

Desmond, thank you for being there and I sorted all out already!
Grace, thank you for hearing me out and I will really start thinking for myself=)
Rachel, thank you for chatting with me and I consider to bake or make a food recipe for you!

Thank you for viewing!
Bid Here
Adious

저에게 축 생일 !

This year, it is indeed a special year where I truely felt that I am bliss. Thinking back, I changed to really appreciates small / tiny stuff, cry much more even for the slightly happy things in life, lost count with those smil on my face, prayed for forgiveness every single day and feels truely bliss. Also enjoy the song whilst reading this lengthy entry=)

I went to a talk with Mrs Chong last month, he spoke about destiny and etc. He sorted my thoughts and truely open me up. I didnt go there to look for an answer to a particular question and yet I was enlighted. What truely got me is that the topic on Causes and Consequences. For that, I prepared for all the consequences that I am needed to face for all the bad deeds I done.

You might start to wonder, what about the good things? Well, sadly most of the goodness you've done will get the consequences instantly (Think about it yourself). There is ONE good thing that I did for myself in this entire 20 years (I mentioned it before & I need to mention it again) - Studying law. The consequence that I gotten is meeting friends, and for that I am very very thankful already. Second good thing I have done is a right clique; I can never forget the very first day of school, sitting beside Tracy and behide us are Grace and Rachel. The three of them are quite different from me due to the things I exposed and today we click perfectly together still.

And guess what else, IF I didnt meet them on tht very day I wouldnt imagine the consequences. Together with them, I studied, not say hard but I did put in my Heart, and met nice friends and formed a clique too. See, we are all ONE Person who needed to carry out plentiful of roles. Like myself, I am not a good daughter but I am pretty good in every other roles that I am involved. So, we are people with many many flaws and got together in such a big group. Christ, it aint easy but we are did/doing and will do a good job together.

Once, I was disappointed with Friendship which is sadly the only ship I could count on because my Kinship sank way before I could admit that and Relationship is not stable facing the big sea. Nevertheless, we all need love to somehow get thing settle. When love is involved, the courage plays the biggest role and following by trust. I stood firm with my decisions and really really found great and funny people whom I know that I could count on. With this one and only Sandral Owin's Heart, I am very very thankful on this very day to:

1. People who help me by accompanying me thru the storms I faced; like the real help and God forbids me to forget what happened in the past;

2. People who forgo me in the past and make me a tough person today;

3. People whom came / come /coming across all woks of life and helping me by fate and faith;

4. People who gave me joy instead of I giving them, really really treasure all my heart and I pray for them on a regular basis:

a) Rachel (I know how much you wish to be here)

b) Grace (Thanks for everything yesterday and you did an amazing planning)

c) Tracy (Stop falling sick and start to be stronger physical)

d) Stephenie (Very appreciated for your physical and mental encouragement, I still keeping the paper you wrote for me)

e) Lydia (You are such a whinner and think positively and stronger. With all your flaws I still love you alot)

f) Kayyathiri (You are a nice nice friend and fan of mine)

g) Sarah (I also sense you close although you are so far away)

h) Ezra (The implusive protector of mine and given me joy in alot of ways)

i) Charles (I am grateful that you have been there always)

j) Desmond (Thank you for your every every everything you gave me)

k) Mrs Chong (Being with you, I feel that I have a family member and stay healthy)

As for kinship, I am speechless and I have assigned a task to complete before the end of my life. Trust me, I am tough and will be tougher enough to overcome it. Since, I have been different and came to where I am standing. To be more extreme, it is something that I will achieve so anticipate for that day to come.

Regarding myself and future, I promised myself to complete my LLB in Law by 2013 latest with a Second Upper Honours. Pray, Play and Participate Well for Everything and Anything. As for the rest, I can only look forward to and there is nothing else for me to do until then. Some says "Expected the Unexpected" yet again "The more you expecting, the more the disappointment" so JUST LIVE YOUR LIFE.

What else can I say, I told myself that "Well, I have a bunch of good friends and they WILL wish me and WONT forget my birthday even if they DIDNT asked me out!". The truth is I should trust my six sense & had a great celebration yesterday, all thanks to them! Honestly, I am so touched and thankful for everything yesterday. I love you each and everyone of you. Hey, I will cry if you all tries to forget my 21st!!

p.s My Lawyer bought me Royce Chocolate, so sweet!

I am flying to BKK tomorrow like FINALLY and touching down on Thursday Morning

~ So Excited and Wee~~

18 December 2009 - Xmas Gathering=) Until then we shall see one another again.

Love all of you

Thank you

Bid Here

See you

Adious

Your Faithfully,

Sandral Owin