I am typing this entry with a heavy heart and the feeling is indescrible. I dont know how to start telling anyone I know and this is the reason why I am typing it out. Perhaps, I should start with the korean drama; Royal Family, which I am watching thesedays. It is about a poor lady who married into the Korean Royal (Richest) Family and being outcasted. Until the day, her husband passed away she decided to take back what she truly deserves in the family. From there, many many secrets of her are about to reveal. She is not a bad person, just that life werent helping her. She reminded me of myself and my life.
Honestly, at my age, I have been through some failures and lessons to be where I am now. If you were to ask me whether I am satisfied / proud with what & where I am today? The answer is definitely a 'No', but I am relatively contended. At the same time, there is a uneasy feeling within. Perhaps, my life have not been as peaceful and beautiful as now. I started to fight for my life from nothing more than anger; now I have everything except anger. I am not even halfway through my journey.
I want to be really successful in life. The question is am I and is that the reason why I am not working hard? Or I am just too stressful, but I dont see that as an excuse for anything. I cannot afford to lose, I cant because I lost too much perviously. This aint the time to be thinking about anything but studies. I am willing to lose many things or people, to ace it. As much as there are many things I wishes to keep in life, I know it is beyond my power to choose who & what to keep. Comparing to fate, my gambling chips are very limited. Therefore, I am not going to beg for anything else and in fact, I am always prepared to survive on my own.
You can call me a coward by all means, this is the best remedy for me though. I chose logic over emotions on the day I begged for the changes in my life, one must never and will not be regretful for that. In other words, as long as I will do anything if it does not required me to kill, hurt my family and good friends.
I wanted to be different from my mum and sisters; wanna be strong and need not depend on anyone for anything. At the same time, I am afraid that I become too smart and in the future no one would dare to date me anymore (maybe weirdo's). I feel like an alien so I asked myself whether is this what I really want? It is truly funny, life is strange.
I was chatting with Ezra few days back, we have similar goals but different methods of achieving it. There is no right or wrong in the process, it is really how much you are willing to go to achieve it. Honestly, it is perfectly fine if you dont understand this entry because the title is 'lost entry'.
Dear God, if you are reading this, can you please guide me?
I might be too stress because I dont know where to start for my exam, too focused on the outcome; the honours / nothing / failing. Fcuk! Sometimes, I beg myself to shed some tears to relieve myself from the stress but I just cant.
Thank you for wasting your time here!
BTW, I turned twenty-one =)
Love,
Owin
