What is the price of pursuing of happiness?

The question of ‘What do I want?’ should co-exist with the above question, so to be focused about our objective. As an ambitious individual, at the same time, lucky me – I have no idea what great things I did in my lifetime, but one thing I know for sure is that something up in the heaven has always covered me well enough.

This question came to me randomly after a lunch appointment with Andrew & Charles 3 weeks ago, followed by The Bible & reading towards the last chapter of ‘The Wolf of Wall Street’. Thru all of these, I understand better about the very concept of “Everything has a price to pay”.

The answer to these thoughts came slapping at my face, after a week of dwelling about the question of unknown amount of haters / enemies I have. When the High Priest was coaxing Romans to crucify Jesus, as to suppress the followers & maintained its sacred front. I was wondering why wasn’t Jesus angry about the fact that the people chose to listen to words of whispers, and as a result of the release of the murderer instead of him. A similar situation happened to me, with regards to the fact why I wasn’t chosen in the previous race. Why do I have to go thru more sufferings when I am the strong & sensible one, the one who seeks & speak the truths?

Jesus prayed to God and asked for his forgiveness to the people as they do not know what they are doing. What Jesus does not know is that he only was a spirit in human body, but he was the son of the almighty; and he honestly thought that the seven deadly sins does not live in the body of a human. Unfortunately it does, at the moment Adam & Eve consumed the forbidden fruit and Cain killed Abel – they lives with us. I do feel jealously living inside me at times, but thank God it was never that great for me to harbor bad intentions on people. I have no such free time to waste on them, at least I speaking for up to this moment I living until.

This post is doubtlessly a lil philosophical; most people are unable to comprehend at all. It is pointless of me to explain to you if you have not explored life in this perspective & let alone the answer, could just be a waste of time.  

In Hanoi, I met a couple who sent me wisdom about love & make me understand a lil more about it. I could actually sees thru those pair of eyes when they looked at each other – even after 10 years of being together. I said to them, I thought I saw you but I think that was just me being deluded. The London guy said to me that he was a divorcee and met this French lady (the love of his life) even before he met his ex-wife, but it did not happen. After all of these, she is mine again – he once puzzled about the work of fate. He said ‘Just let it be, let your feelings flow – The harder you want to bury it, the more difficult it will be. If you would just let it flow, at some point, you will discover that you are not missing him that much.’

Guess what, I walked pass the convenient store we were at last night & stood there to giggle a lil. After living for 24 years, you are my only regret I ever have was the day I let you slip out of my hands. I am still battling the million questions after 104 days passed by in a wink. The kind of love I wanted is you, why did you cross my life and will I just be meeting a second best? Or that could be your false side? I guess you are well enough, perhaps met someone else & had me forgotten too long ago too. I am coping well too, I still have the urge to keep in touch with you but I do not want to disturb you at all. I am glad that I managed to love you, and not someone else. I had a couple of guys mingling around, but I have decided to cut all away as I am not ready for anyone yet. Perhaps soon enough, I will definitely be & I have to be.

In the meantime, I am undergoing a diet plan to cut down 6kg at least. Fun is always with me, despite the fact that I have not been participating my usual activity at all – My friends are giving up on me, so do I. Life will be simple for me, other than work, I will be exercising 3 weekdays, Friday & Saturday will be drink days with Saturday and Sunday as Dragon Boating practices to prepare for Boracay competition. I will be taking a small trip once a month, and my next long trip will be in July-August I supposed. Till next time.

With love,

Sandral

Untitled & Free

I should have tons of things to update everyone, kinda true – but I do not have the time to. I did come up an agenda of the various topics in my mind:

1.       Impact of the Hanoi Trip

2.       Complaint about Halong Bay Tour

3.       Experiences & Thoughts

4.       Life as it is – For Now

5.       Sandral’s Guide: Chapter 1 – What is Love?

Right now, Im taking an hour of time off from work because I am mentally stressed up about ONE particular matter.  I have to write it out, recently I am not very keen to speak to anyone in the world now. Reading, typing and writing are my favorite pastimes for now; and being a lazy bum at home.  

I had a great time in Hanoi, observed, talked, heard, and experienced a lot of things, people, and adventures. The fact that I managed to only obtain a minor injury on my left elbow from a two-time fall, I get to appreciate myself more. THANKS FOR ALL THE LOVE BEING SHOWERED TO ME. Im fully aware that I am not very well-loved, even when I was a kid – there are many people followed me around being of my popularity, information, network & etc. However, throughout the years, I managed to filter and see thru people & deal with a better state of grace. I love how I am interacting with people, those who know & love me / even attempt to – I know & they know that we will be there & OTHERS – Fcuk off. The more I give, the more I gain & it doesn’t upset me very much anymore.

Here, I am going to share 2 stories from my latest trip. First, whilst I was in the mountain tour in Sapa – a village lady did a FREE fortune-telling, just by grabbing me and my palm – my tour guide being the translator. She translated this to me ‘You have a generous heart, bright personality and wealthy person by looking at your face. Thru my both palms, I see determination, hardworking, powerful, and well-liked person with strong personality. You will be blessed with everything you seek for, and bring luck to your family & people around you.’ FYI, she is not the first – 80% of the fortune-tellers said almost similar things. Such prophecy terrifies me than anything, what are my capabilities and limitations? 

Second story; regarding this incident happened in the bus journey from Sapa to Hanoi City, a French old lady was being dragged / pulled around by the bus driver who only can communicate in Vietnamese. I had to shout ‘Any Vietnamese who can speak English here?’ THRICE in the bus, before someone came forward to help. I appreciate it despite of that delay. I did some fact studies in Hanoi, that every kiddo receives FREE education up to 15 YO (High School) & English one of the subjects taught. However, there aren’t a lot of people using it because of FEAR & it isn’t properly taught in school – how much can a person learn with 4 hours and many subjects in school?

Last night, I learnt that I have a bunch of Indian supporters – they are construction workers from my previous work from many years ago. I THINK I received the highest compliment in their way, I was called ‘Indian Actress’ & I had to giggle on my bed so loud. Then, on my way to Lao Cai, I met Xiao Ying (Korean girl), Yoshi (Japanese guy) & Hanh (Vietnamese guy). When I think back to that day, my cabin was all filled with Vietnameses. YET when the other TWO foreigners boarded the train from different stations, they are assigned to sit behide (Yoshi) me & beside (Xiao Ying) me. Before Yoshi & Hanh boarded the train, a random creepy Vietnamese sat beside me and stared at my face, while my eyes was on my hp screen – watching the Reign.

Today’s story – is about Hanh – a Engineering undergrad earning USD200/month & I thought I was going deaf. He came to sit beside Yoshi DARINGLY, announcing that he wishes to communicate and learn English with us. Honestly, I was more into Xiao Ying because I want to improve my Korean. The 12hrs journey went on & on in English & at some point, I saw a lil of me in Hanh’s eyes. By now, if you were in my past, you already know how horrific my English was at one point. I worked very hard until today & haven’t stop learning. Last night, Hanh introduced a girl friend of his to me & she earnestly called me ‘Sandra’ numerous times & finally got my name right after 3 times of me typing ‘My name is Sandral , Sandra WITH L’.

I fancy people who are diligent and do self-improvement, especially living in Singapore – I know too many people who are full of themselves when they are just another empty-bottle. So I was very disturbed by the fact that my limited self to assist them. ‘What can I possibly do for them?’ haunts me. The song ‘The riddle’ by Five for Fighting is playing over my computer now. “… Here’s a riddle for you, find the answer. There is a reason for the world, you & I.” Thank you for lightening my mood a lil. 

This year, I wish to help people who truly need help & wish that they could benefit something & use the same spirit to help others. Spreading the Love, I supposed. I need to find a way to do this, in my less taxing time too.

Lastly, I have query of 'do you have a bf now bla bla bla...' I wish I have but is not my time yet. When I am dating, it will be published in the newspaper so stop asking.

As I am finishing this writing, a random thought came across my mind – I think I am able to answer Dylan Fuller’s question about ‘what am I running away from?’ when I do my random backpacking trips. I spend more time dedicating time to EVERY OTHER THINGS than to myself, whereas I would at least bother about myself when I backpack alone. I spent time reflecting about ‘whether I love myself enough?’; ‘what am I lacking?’; and solutions / mind-maps.

I will be meeting my future-husband-NOT aka Princess later, i HOPE that I will not attempt to murder him for some reasons.