A little

I am exhausted and no longer interested with why God sent us down to experience hardship. It is not gurantee that we can meet him after life, so why am I trying so hard to please God, everyone around me & myself? I desiped to look like a joker because I believed in God that he did not make me as one. Yet again, it is very difficult to convince myself that. I hope and pray he will put all this to an end.

Perhaps, I am his special child but I unable to take this pain anymore. Now I not sure am I still fit to be called your child, sinned too much that I cannot forgive myself in this lifetime. It is time that I should stop asking for forgiveness. I am not a whinner usually but I cannot help myself not to be one now.

Here I am trying hard to improve myself but nothing seem to work well for me. I lived with agony for 20 years & blowing out very soon. It is painful to live a life like mine, I only have the share of being envious of all good mom & children relationship!! I feel totally cool without one or if I really have one, all I am asking is a normal mum.

My heart was bleeding whilst typing this but no longer will. I tried but you never know at least a little nor you will ever look at me, so now it does not matter. I am not declaring a war, but if you want to be safe what I am suggesting is to leave me alone. I am not that girl who was afraid of you or care that you are my mum. I will do things my ways and that wont include you at all. I wont disowns and I am waiting for you to disown me. Leave no inheritance for me because I wants to owe you the bare minimum.

If the people here who are reading this wants to see me as heartless & cruel, so be it. I no longer bothered, this is the life I am happy with. A life with my dad, my youngest sister & only brother. These are the only kins who I will do everything for them. This song is for myself & I will look back if I am missing myself too much. My plan will still works for myself, I am not giving up to be myself.

I wonder how is Joyce doing in Swizzy, missing those times we talking about cheeky stuffs. Aunty Sue contacted me thru email now!! G8 are very well, we will be meeting for Harry Potter & Bbq soon, I promised. Zach & I made a pact recently which is to date each other one more time before we marry. My Des is very busy with his work and same goes to me after tml.

Apart from the issue at home, I was doing not too bad for the past 3 weeks. I was finding peace sometimes I am able to do so but at times I just cannot. I addicted to Shining Inheritance, Harpers' Island, Safari, Resturant City & Exercising!! My korean is improving bits by bits.

Basically, tht is all but the nusiance thing is still around! I am leaving to Des place soon=)

Watch me fly, Losers!!

감사합니다!

안녕!

사랑

안녕하세요!!

Korean is not simple to type & learning an extra language is not easy at all. There, of course, if things are simple what is there exciting about life?

EXAMS is over but I'm not happy at all, the thoughts of death bells makes me nervous. No wonder waiting is painful at times, worst is that you are waiting while carrying hopes. I looking forward to work everyday cos it keeps me very busy. Things at home are getting out of control but I am not going to be bothered as I am sure where I belong.

With regards to myself, I am happy and no worries, pals I am cool still. I've overcome big waves and hence small tiny waves are unable to drown me, on top of that I able to swim. Those of you who are waiting for the exam, I am praying & prays hard for our success. I used the past one week to find back the old me before going back to study. The girl who cares alot about life & greedy to learn more, I am very glad to found her again. She wants to distant herself from the world to find some peace. I am not supposed to be at home today but I am in great pain. Bloody menses driving me insane, honestly I think I can only blame myself for that because the past few months it didnt come much due to stress etc. Now, it is all coming back to me which I am happy cos it is telling me my body is healthy but PAIN!!

Basically, I finished watching the movies and shows that I wanted to watch. The day of my last paper, we rushed down to tampines to watch Angels & Demons. I am the only one who read the book & I am very satisfied of the movie because Da Vinci's movie sucks compared to the book. On the next day, I brought my pals (Grace, Lydia & Rach) & my boy for a tracking at Anderson Waves. There & then, for the very rare time I lost my sense of direction for the first 2 hours and led them beating around the bushes. All the more to believe, that our clique needs to recuite more men. Those kind souls didnt blamed me for all of that which I am very guilty about.

Thanks to some comments in my tagboard, I am exercising regularly nowadays. Do congrats me for slimming down & to my friends do not be very bothered about it. Allow me to handle it, those people as we all know they basically cannot suceed in everything except being an nuisance so let us be more caring for this kind of low IQ & EQ retards. I mean, we obviously knows that they can think but foolishly chose not to & really they are THE worst of kind of all. In August, we will meet to recieve the result even if I cannot do well still I managed to slim down is another achievement. OMG, I forgot that I'm not meeting THE retard cos she/he didnt have the courage to take the exam and not forgetting being too rich too.

Back to the main reason why I am posting this entry today. I have been watch some korean show. A brainstorm came into my mind whilst chatting with Zherui about love. This lucky man is attached too & spending good times in Germany slipping beer. It is because he is smart enough to recieve this intership in his college in the States.

Whilst chatting with him about love & relationship, I suddenly remeber what Shine told me before that I have never love someone before. Well, he could be true but I denied it then when he told me. Thus I bringing this question up for myself now.

"Have you ever love someone before?"

잠깐만요! Before considering this question, it is my duty to make sure you understand that the love I am referring to is not to be mix up with the habit or reliance on your parents, siblings & friends. Honestly, alot of people cannot rationally classfied it cos they mistaken that love from another is a much in one's life just like or even more important like love from family. I wont say I am able to but I have not mix them up together. As for some people, they loves to be loved & thinking that is love. Trust me that is not love & if your dictionary carries puppy love, allow me to correct you that there is no such love. Good, now the questions & impression from you is 'well well well, so what kind of love you suggesting as you speak with confidence with your nonsense' We, individual, live as human & often left the most simple & easy question to be answer.

"What is love?"

The answer is very subjective, we all feel & understand love in different ways as according to our characters. after watching a korean movie 'The Naked Kitchen' I started to understand. If you seriously considered the question you might find that you are confused which means you are on the right track. The most important thing is the thought process & the reason why I thinking too rational. Often then not, love is not very rational. Now, I know what & how is love. I love Desmond now is what that matter most to me.

Thank you, Baby. Grace too, for contributing some ideas. I am in love with this song 'Dance with my father again' & whilst listening to this song my dad danced with me. Very wise choice that my Dad & Des are studying now=) upgrade & asorb more knowledge.

Bid Here

Adious

안녕!