The question of ‘What do I want?’ should co-exist with the
above question, so to be focused about our objective. As an ambitious
individual, at the same time, lucky me – I have no idea what great things I did
in my lifetime, but one thing I know for sure is that something up in the
heaven has always covered me well enough.
This question came to me randomly after a lunch appointment
with Andrew & Charles 3 weeks ago, followed by The Bible & reading
towards the last chapter of ‘The Wolf of Wall Street’. Thru all of these, I
understand better about the very concept of “Everything has a price to pay”.
The answer to these thoughts came
slapping at my face, after a week of dwelling about the question of unknown
amount of haters / enemies I have. When the High Priest was coaxing Romans to
crucify Jesus, as to suppress the followers & maintained its sacred front.
I was wondering why wasn’t Jesus angry about the fact that the people chose to listen
to words of whispers, and as a result of the release of the murderer instead of
him. A similar situation happened to me, with regards to the fact why I wasn’t chosen
in the previous race. Why do I have to go thru more sufferings when I am the
strong & sensible one, the one who seeks & speak the truths?
Jesus prayed to God and asked for his forgiveness to the
people as they do not know what they are doing. What Jesus does not know is
that he only was a spirit in human body, but he was the son of the almighty;
and he honestly thought that the seven deadly sins does not live in the body of
a human. Unfortunately it does, at the moment Adam & Eve consumed the
forbidden fruit and Cain killed Abel – they lives with us. I do feel jealously
living inside me at times, but thank God it was never that great for me to harbor
bad intentions on people. I have no such free time to waste on them, at least I
speaking for up to this moment I living until.
This post is doubtlessly a lil philosophical; most people are unable to
comprehend at all. It is pointless of me to explain to you if you have not
explored life in this perspective & let alone the answer, could just be a
waste of time.
In Hanoi, I met a couple who sent me wisdom about love &
make me understand a lil more about it. I could actually sees thru those pair
of eyes when they looked at each other – even after 10 years of being together.
I said to them, I thought I saw you but I think that was just me being deluded.
The London guy said to me that he was a divorcee and met this French lady (the
love of his life) even before he met his ex-wife, but it did not happen. After
all of these, she is mine again – he once puzzled about the work of fate. He
said ‘Just let it be, let your feelings flow – The harder you want to bury it,
the more difficult it will be. If you would just let it flow, at some point,
you will discover that you are not missing him that much.’
Guess what, I walked pass the convenient store we were at
last night & stood there to giggle a lil. After living for 24 years, you
are my only regret I ever have was the day I let you slip out of my hands. I am
still battling the million questions after 104 days passed by in a wink. The
kind of love I wanted is you, why did you cross my life and will I just be
meeting a second best? Or that could be your false side? I guess you are well
enough, perhaps met someone else & had me forgotten too long ago too. I am
coping well too, I still have the urge to keep in touch with you but I do not
want to disturb you at all. I am glad that I managed to love you, and not
someone else. I had a couple of guys mingling around, but I have decided to cut
all away as I am not ready for anyone yet. Perhaps soon enough, I will
definitely be & I have to be.
In the meantime, I am
undergoing a diet plan to cut down 6kg at least. Fun is always with me, despite
the fact that I have not been participating my usual activity at all – My friends
are giving up on me, so do I. Life will be simple for me, other than work, I
will be exercising 3 weekdays, Friday & Saturday will be drink days with
Saturday and Sunday as Dragon Boating practices to prepare for Boracay
competition. I will be taking a small trip once a month, and my next long trip
will be in July-August I supposed. Till next time.
With love,
Sandral
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